Alameda Police have recently taken into custody a Mr. Les Warner, confessed nymphokilliac and cannibal. Though charged with over 50 different capital offenses, Warner was quick to release a public statement claiming all of his actions stem from simple misunderstandings.… Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
In Other News
Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings
Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans
Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies
Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets… Read More
Sports Quickies
Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the horse … Read More
Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop
At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries … Read More
Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the … Read More
Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can … Read More
God Blamed For Global Disasters
In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as … Read More
Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image
Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by … Read More
Carjackers Rejoice Over “Ghostridin’ the Whip” Trend
The slump is over for car thieves in the Bay Area, who reportedly attribute their sudden success to a new hip-hop trend known to many as “ghostridin’ the whip.” Popularized by E-40’s song “Tell Me When to Go,” the act … Read More
Unemployment Rate Skyrockets
Caving in to pressure from campus activists, UC-Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau announced yesterday that the campus would no longer use sweatshop labor to make its Cal apparel. The resulting wave of layoffs has led to the highest unemployment rate among … Read More
