Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.
“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That … Read More
Alameda Police have recently taken into custody a Mr. Les Warner, confessed nymphokilliac and cannibal. Though charged with over 50 different capital offenses, Warner was quick to release a public statement claiming all of his actions stem from simple misunderstandings.… Read More
Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings
Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans
Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies
Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets… Read More
Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can … Read More
In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as … Read More
Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by … Read More
At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries … Read More
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the … Read More
With Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s life hanging in the balance at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, the Mid-East Peace Process is fucked. And I don’t mean “you scratched mom’s new car” fucked, I mean “you accidentally dumped that whole ounce … Read More
After a brief hiatus from the airwaves, DJ Howard Stern returned to radio on the Sirius Satellite Network. Media analysts expected Stern’s millions of loyal viewers to make the switch to satellite radio, but the superstar shock jock’s reception was … Read More
