In a coincidental series of events that should haunt University officials in the coming weeks, the winner of UC Berkeley’s “Northside Construction Crane Operator For A Day” Contest was announced yesterday, and was identified as Tommy “Rainbow Love” Smith, a … Read More

Still attempting to shed their teenybopper image, the New Kids on the Block have once again changed with the times, officially altering their collective stage name to “Natural Born Killers on the Block,” or “NBKOTB.” This new “gangsta” image is … Read More

Entry Level Mistress sought by Gardener for repentant weeding and soiling. Must supply your own hoes, hose, and ho’s.

STELLA!!! Where are you??

Let the Paddle Seduce You!! Ping-Pong aficiando looking for a partner with a sturdy shaft and smooth … Read More

Nov. 20, 1990. The California water polo team is under fire for participating in the regional finals this year at Harmon gym. Activists claim that the Polo Bear’s home site, Spieker pool, is purified with chlorine, the same chemical used … Read More

In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day last week, members of the Cal Irish Student Union mortared the Oakland Airport in an event co-sponsored by the IRA. CISU President Lucky O’Hara said, “We just wanted to give the blarney Bay Area … Read More

After being spared in the first dozen LA temblors, part of the Information Superhighway collapsed in Sunday’s aftershock. Caltrans acted quickly to set up alternate routes for LA’s many telecommuters. Said Bill Gazula of Caltrans, “We got the orange cones … Read More

Sprightly leprechaun seeks shamrock nymph to be my lovely lass. You are two feet tall, love all things green, and have a deep appreciation for marshmallows. I am cheery-giddy, fortified with eight essential vitamins, and magically delicious! No IRA, please. … Read More

Feb. 15, 1991. In a short press conference, Chancellor Tien officially announced that beginning next semester, UC Berkeley would become co-ed. Men would be allowed to register for classes at Cal for the first time in the school’s history. After … Read More

Richard Schlongen, the only male professor in the Women’s Studies Department, was denied tenure last week after colleagues found a Penthouse magazine in his office. Women’s Studies Professor Marsha Johnson said, “I was sitting in his office discussing the evil … Read More

Jan. 10, 1991. After six minutes of fierce debate, the ASUC senate voted unanimously last week to declare war on South Africa. Citing Apartheid and other human rights violations, the senate appropriated its remaining budget of $719 to “wage war … Read More