After over six minutes of fierce debate, the ASUC Senate voted unanimously last week to declare war on South Africa because of its policies of apartheid and other human rights violations. The senate immediately appropriated the remaining $719 in its … Read More

According to a police spokesperson, over two dozen Keebler Elves were found murdered behind a local bakery this morning. She said that they had been beaten with some kind of blunt object but that little else was known about the … Read More

In a historic agreement reached today, McDonald’s has decided to reveal the ingredients of its secret sauce to the Soviet Union in exchange for secret diagrams of military installations and nuclear silos. Ronald McDonald told reporters that “the Soviets have … Read More

In a short press conference this afternoon, Chancellor Tien officially announced that UC Berkeley, starting next semester, would be co-ed. He said that the decision to start admitting males to the university was made “after weeks and weeks of painful … Read More

The California water polo team is currently under fire for participating in the regional finals this year at Harmon Gym. Activists claim that the Polo Bear’s home site, Spieker Pool, is purified with chlorine, the same chemical used to treat … Read More

Mr. William Murray, 48, of Hollywood, CA, is being held for the Febuary 2nd shooting of Puxatawnie Phil. Phil, a 12-year-old groundhog, is best known for his annual prediction of the arrival of Spring. Mr. Murray reportedly said, “I got … Read More

In a stunning move designed to strengthen ties to Papal Rome, Israel announced last week that it would be changing its official religion to Catholicism. According to spokesmen, the decision was reached after other less drastic diplomatic advances failed.

“It’s … Read More