Thousands of Iraqi peasants prepared for the afterlife last Thursday when it was rumored that Monica Lewinsky would make further allegations concerning her involvement with the President. White House analyst Mitch Westman believes that the American military response will depend … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Promise Made For 1998 Winter Olympics
International Olympic Committee representatives announced that the 1998 Winter Olympics will prove to be the most boring to date. Joining extreme low excitement sports such as Curling, Cross Country Skiing and the Luge will be new exhibition events such as … Read More
Pacific Bell Denies New Area Code Allegations
The telephone company denied allegations earlier today that the adoption of the 666 prefix for many Berkeley residents was intentional. The Squelch has been unable to reach Pacific Bell for comment, but one Berkeley resident had this to say: “This … Read More
Cowboy Question Answered
In a surprise statement, singer Paula Cole’s haunting question, “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?,” has finally been answered. Funded by radio listeners driven mad by Ms. Cole’s mixture of whining and whispering, the Rand Corporation has completed a 6 … Read More
ASUC Squabble Solved
The intervention of professional wrestler Randy “Macho Man” Savage was needed to settle a dispute between ASUC executive officials Sanjeev Bery and Lee Fink on Friday.
Wielding a steel folding chair, Savage came to the aid of Bery, ASUC external … Read More
Shortage Feared
Thousands of people may be affected by an ovary shortage expected to hit Berkeley by the end of the month. “We ask that people remain calm and do not resort to hoarding ovaries,” said Berkeley Mayor Shirley Dean, hoping to … Read More
UC Police Voluntarily Refrain From Pepper Spray
Two UCPD officers voluntarily refrained from using pepper spray while apprehending a shoplifting suspect last Friday. Citing recent public disapproval of the spray, which can cause a painful burning sensation in the eyes and throat, the officers opted to use … Read More
Pope Enters Twentieth Century
The pope recently admitted that evolution “may be more than just a hypothesis” in light of “fresh evidence.” This follows his recent admission of the Catholic Church’s error in condemning Galileo. Rumor amoung the College of Cardinals has it that … Read More
What’s Mine Is Yours
The U.S government has refused to sign a treaty, already signed by over 100 other nations, banning the use of land mines. Top military officials have maintained that certain types of land mines are absolutely essential in times of war, … Read More
No Way, Jose!
Hundreds of Cal students expecting to see B.B. King perform on Sproul Plaza recently were disappointed to find instead Larry the Drummer and an anonymous bassist carrying a sign which read “the King.” Said one student, “I like Larry, and … Read More
