Inside sources have leaked that the UC Dining Services may have been falsely serving “Fancy Ketchup” to thousands of Berkeley students for over 5 years. “This Ketchup contained nothing but tomatoes, water, food coloring and several clearly non-fancy preservatives,” stated … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Berkeley Scientists Create Chaos
LBNL nuclear scientists recently revealed the culmination of a five year project costing $10 million: a big “nuclear thing” that is designed to recreate the condition of the universe immediately after the Big Bang. God was not amused. “I am … Read More
New Mammmy for Sig-Phi-Ep
In order to shape up their image after recent hazing accusations, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has hired a new house mother. Our sources have reported that the new house mother plans on revamping the entire fraternity through the practice … Read More
Astronomers Prove Expansion
Several members of the Berkeley astronomy department released compelling evidence that Freshman Denise Watkins is expanding at an ever-increasing rate. “The latest red shift data clearly shows that Denise has exceeded what we like to call the ‘Freshman 15′ threshold,” … Read More
Lemmon Goes Sour
Actor Jack Lemmon was arrested last week for allegedly hiring a prostitute, a 64-year old man known only as “Frank”. In a statement he prepared from his cell, Lemmon said his recent separation from longtime co-star ‘ Walter Mathau left … Read More
California Tosses Out Riffraff
In a controversial vote, the California State Legislature approved the removal of both Davis and Placerville from the state. John Hornsby (D), in a statement released to the press, described the two Northern California towns as “an embarrassment.” The new … Read More
Senate Makes New ASUC Store Management Deal
The ASUC senate stunned the campus community yesterday with the sudden announcement that they would not ask Barnes and Noble to take over management of the ASUC Store. Instead, a ten year contract has been signed with the restaurant franchise, … Read More
New Study Sheds Light On Retardation
According to the results of a recent study, 45% of Berkeley students were found to be socially retarded. In an interview, Chancellor Berdahl proudly announced “another victory for diversity.”
The majority of these students confirmed their retardation by admitting to … Read More
Berkeley Professors Denounce Wu-Tang Clan
Several Berkeley professors spoke out against members of the Wu-Tang Clan yesterday. “Wu-Tang ain’t shit. Fuck Wu-Tang. I’m da original Wu,” said math professor Hung-Hsi Wu. “Ol’ Dirty Bastard probably can’t even calculate a Fourier coefficient. Sheeeit, he’s just a … Read More
Baddest Motherfucker Alive Sighting
The Baddest Motherfucker Alive was spotted again yesterday near an intersection on Bancroft avenue. Several witnesses have confirmed that the Baddest Motherfucker Alive drove by in an Acura Integra sometime in the late afternoon. However, witnesses have given conflicting stories … Read More
