My leg trembled as I neared the summit of the ramp. This was the culmination of months of awkward conversations, stale pickup lines, and decreasingly subtle hints. I didn’t want to become just another “personal assistant” like all the rest. … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Bizarro Jesus Christ
Bizarro Jesus Christ first became known to the world at large around the year 4 B.B.C. (Before Bizarro Christ). To some, He was merely a freak of nature, the product of a futuristic duplicator built by evil genius Pontius Pilate. … Read More
Hair Down Where?
As I took a shower this morning and began washing under my arms, I regarded my armpit hair in a way that I had not done when I was an eight year-old. This is because I did not have any … Read More
Urinal Art
“Hypocrites! All of you! I’m taking my urinal and getting out of here.”
At the turn of the century, a group of artists tried to banish pretentiousness from the art world by opening a museum which would exhibit any work … Read More
Bitten by the Witster
Sometimes people come up to me and ask, “Hey Freddy: why you so witty, yo?” And I say, “Well, my name isn’t Fredrick Witster for nothing.” Then, they shake their heads and think, “Man, that Freddy … he’s the greatest. … Read More
Bedtime Story
“Daddy,” came the voice from behind as Mr. Levine tried to tiptoe quietly out of the room. “Can you tell me a bedtime story?”
Mr. Levine sighed heavily. He was a busy man. Overworked, prematurely gray at the temples, and … Read More
Haunt You Up Good
Ghoul-reetings, ladies and ghoul-tlemen! Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’d like to get in on that haunted house action this Halloween, but how?” Just follow these three simple steps.
Step 1:
To fashion a truly spook-tacular haunted house, one must first choose … Read More
Music Beat
Yes, Michelle Branch, I Will Have Sex With You
If you’re like me, you listen to music to escape reality. If I’m feeling depressed, I’ll listen to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebrate.” If I’m feeling lazy, it’s Huey Lewis’ “Sports.” If I haven’t eaten for a few days it’s … Read More
Cola Wars: Declassified
The 1980s marked the high point of a decades-long rivalry between two enormously powerful institutions, a rivalry that resulted in untold casualties, hardship, and tooth decay. The Cola War has died down, but the legacy of paranoia and hysteria still … Read More
Homecourt Advantage
In basketball, the mark of a truly great team is the ability to dominate in one’s home arena – maintaining the “home court” advantage. The 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, perhaps the greatest team of all time, lost just one game at … Read More
