First off, kudos for returning Sex on Tuesday to its former dirty self, a column which at its best makes you feel like you should shower after reading it, and even on an off day still makes you want to … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Happiest Day on Earth in the Happiest Place on Earth
“Pardon me. Is this the Disneyland help desk?”
“Yes. Can I help you?”
“Yeah … I’m looking for my friend. She’s supposed to meet me here. Has anyone come here asking for me?”
“No.”
“I haven’t even told you my … Read More
My Secret Romance With Stephen Hawking
My leg trembled as I neared the summit of the ramp. This was the culmination of months of awkward conversations, stale pickup lines, and decreasingly subtle hints. I didn’t want to become just another “personal assistant” like all the rest. … Read More
Cola Wars: Declassified
The 1980s marked the high point of a decades-long rivalry between two enormously powerful institutions, a rivalry that resulted in untold casualties, hardship, and tooth decay. The Cola War has died down, but the legacy of paranoia and hysteria still … Read More
Homecourt Advantage
In basketball, the mark of a truly great team is the ability to dominate in one’s home arena – maintaining the “home court” advantage. The 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, perhaps the greatest team of all time, lost just one game at … Read More
Words from the Top
To the Mother it May Concern
It has become increasingly apparent from our recent correspondence that you view me as an unloving, disdainful son. This is evident from the fax I recently received titled “Top 25 grievances attributed to my unloving, disdainful son.” In it you … Read More
Urinal Art
“Hypocrites! All of you! I’m taking my urinal and getting out of here.”
At the turn of the century, a group of artists tried to banish pretentiousness from the art world by opening a museum which would exhibit any work … Read More
Bitten by the Witster
Sometimes people come up to me and ask, “Hey Freddy: why you so witty, yo?” And I say, “Well, my name isn’t Fredrick Witster for nothing.” Then, they shake their heads and think, “Man, that Freddy … he’s the greatest. … Read More
Bedtime Story
“Daddy,” came the voice from behind as Mr. Levine tried to tiptoe quietly out of the room. “Can you tell me a bedtime story?”
Mr. Levine sighed heavily. He was a busy man. Overworked, prematurely gray at the temples, and … Read More
Haunt You Up Good
Ghoul-reetings, ladies and ghoul-tlemen! Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’d like to get in on that haunted house action this Halloween, but how?” Just follow these three simple steps.
Step 1:
To fashion a truly spook-tacular haunted house, one must first choose … Read More
