No. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. No. No! If you said what you just said again, but the opposite, you’d be totally correct. Sometimes, I wonder about you. Yes. Huh? Nope. I was saying yes to that … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Moderate’s Hell or Heaven?
As a political moderate, I have it really tough. I have found that I am often torn between two sides of my personality: my conservative, semi-balding briefcase-toting self, and my unbathed, salad-eating, pot-smoking self. Often times, both sides seem to … Read More
Interview With Ronnie
Heuristic Squelch: Well, we at the Heuristic Squelch would first like to thank you for this grand opportunity to interview you, the 40th President of the United States. We understand you have been a little under the weather lately. However, … Read More
The Continuing Adventures of… HALF JEW!
Throughout history, Webster’s defines half-Jew as “One who is half-Jewish.” What is often overlooked in this mess is what exactly this means in terms of social history. Recent anthropological and archaeological research has shed new light on prominent events in … Read More
A Letter to Now Todd from Future Todd
Todd of April 2003,
This is Todd of April 2033, thirty years into the future! Don’t believe me? Note that the stamps commemorate the tenth anniversary of 2023, and that the Return Address states ‘The Future!’ Still skeptical? The final … Read More
Snoop Dogg in Different Wacky Situations
After winning an OscarGA$A3 for his riveting role in Bones, one man’s plight with ho pimpin’ and bitch slappin’:
Snoop: We goin’ smoke an ounce to that!
Ho: Oh Snoop, you’ve done it again. (round of laughter)
After winning the … Read More
Childhood Jokes Rewritten as Editorial Commentary on American War Criminals
Two traveling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down the road. It’s getting dark, so they stop at a farmhouse. They go up to the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night. He says yes, but … Read More
The Magic School Bus and the Bancroft/Telegraph Bus Stop
Ms. Frizzle fluttered whimsically into her 3rd grade class and said to the students, “Today we’re taking a field trip to the most wonderful place!”
“But Ms. Frizzle, its 3 o’clock. School is over.” Michelle noted.
“We don’t need clocks … Read More
Miles Davis: Practical Joker
Miles Davis is more than a jazz musician: he is a cultural icon, known even to people who can’t tell bebop from fusion. His mellifluous style and rich spontaneous compositions became the hallmark of his style and attitude. Although he … Read More
Waffle Iron Defeats Mark Thomas
In an industrial-strength waffle iron, a waffle cooks in three minutes, burns in five, and humiliates in ten. The beautiful metamorphosis from batter to delicious breakfast dish relies on a delicate balance mediated by the iron cocoon. The following is … Read More
