Heuristic Squelch: Well, we at the Heuristic Squelch would first like to thank you for this grand opportunity to interview you, the 40th President of the United States. We understand you have been a little under the weather lately. However, … Read More

Ophrys bilunulata, the cunning seductive temptress of Central Europe, discloses her arching figure, velvety hair, and fragrant scent; twisting the palpating heart of the male Andrena flavipesi to such a wicked degree that the loins of A. flavipesi swelter … Read More

In a small office on the 42nd floor of the Chrysler Building,
a paper clip standing 3 feet 7 inches walks in. He has two round googly eyes
and floating eyebrows. He’s walking on a piece of magical floating paper.… Read More

I had always considered myself an ethical human being, the sort that when faced with a dilemma would find the most responsible solution to the problem. However, not until April 11, 2002, did I discover the errors of my ways, … Read More

Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I’m invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with insignficant … Read More

I’m sorry we can’t be friends. It’s not you. It’s me. Really. You see, I like you and I think we’d make wonderful friends, but I currently have four friends and four is really plenty. You see I drive a … Read More

Heuristic Squelch: So, Mr. Gumball Machine. How long have you been here?
Gumball Machine: Please call me Gumball Machine. Well, I’ve been around for over 15 years. I used to be over there, right by the entrance. But over the … Read More

The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More