Interview with the ASUC Gumball Machine

Heuristic Squelch: So, Mr. Gumball Machine. How long have you been here?
Gumball Machine: Please call me Gumball Machine. Well, I’ve been around for over 15 years. I used to be over there, right by the entrance. But over the years, I’ve been moved around the store. Now I’m here.

HS: Do you like your new place back by the service elevators far away from foot traffic where only dumb luck and random chance will bring customers to you?

GM: Oh, yes. It’s much better here. When someone walks all the way here from across the student store, it means they really wanted a gumball.

HS: What color gumballs do you have?

GM: Every color but RED!

HS: Oh, that’s great. You’re really spirited. You must be proud of your crappy plastic head and chipping blue paint also.

GM: [whimper]

HS: That was just a joke. I’m sorry. So, how do you feel about more functional gumball machines that don’t take up huge portions of retail space?

GM: I try not to judge other gumball machines.

HS: Even cheap Taiwanese knock-offs. You won’t judge them!

GM: Gumball machines are about fun. We all have character. We all provide a valuable service to society. Each gumball machine has a unique method for providing their service. I, I am 6 feet 5 inches tall. Some people enjoy a sweet candy treat from a colossal representation of a classic barbershop fixture. Some other gumball machines have spectacular transparent bodies with spiraling slides for all the children to enjoy a gumball’s descent from jar to dispenser. This happens to be my shtick.

HS: Okay, I think our job here is done. Thanks for your time.

GM: Wait, would you like a gumball? They’re only 25 cents. There are very few things you can get for a quarter nowadays.

HS: That’s all right. I’d really rather not.

GM: But you’ve walked all the way here, you might as well try one yum-yummy gumball. It’s a novelty coming from a giant gumball machine such as myself.

HS: Listen buddy, I just wanted an interview. How long have those gumballs been in there, anyway?

GM: Three years.