Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 13- Issue 3

Women’s Sexuality De-Cal Walked in On

November 1, 2003
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The Women’s Sexuality De-Cal class was deeply embarrassed last weekend when its Mother walked in on them, unaware.

The class, both famed and controversial for its explicit exploration of female sexual topics, was in the middle of a hot and heavy discussion of the implications of the clitoris.

“Mom! Get out!” the class reportedly yelled, gathering a blanket around itself.

The Mother, Karen Gronsky, 45, muttered an apology and walked out, cheeks red.

“She totally doesn’t respect our privacy,” said the De-Cal class, which was suspended two years ago over accusations of inappropriate behavior. “I can’t believe she didn’t knock or something.”

The class then helped the Male Sexuality De-Cal out the back window before going downstairs.

Volume 13- Issue 3

Top Ten Jewish Oldies

November 1, 2003
  1. Alef, Bet, Vet (It’s Easy as Ahaat,
    Shtahyeem, Shahlosh)
  2. Sixteen Candles (Divided By Two)
  3. Where the Goys Are
  4. Runaround Jew
  5. Jailhouse Lox
  6. I Left My Heart in Warsaw
  7. You Can’t Always Get What You
    Want (For Hanukkah)
  8. Johnny B. Goodstein
  9. My Girl (Is Just Like My Mother)
  10. I Got Jew, Babe
Volume 13- Issue 3

Top Ten Things a Sorority Girl Would Never Say

November 1, 2003
  1. “You write for the Squelch? I won’t
    have sex with you.”
  2. “I got an A!”
  3. “I don’t need to have fat friends to
    feel good about myself.”
  4. “Who’s up for a rousing game of
    Scattergories?”
  5. “Why, this too-tight shirt shows off
    my beer belly.”
  6. “I’m so secure about so many
    things.”
  7. “Why would I want to shower with
    another girl?”
  8. “I have no problem with all the
    Asian girls in the Greek system.”
  9. “No thanks. I don’t know where
    this beer has been.”
  10. “I’ll just shut up now.”
Volume 13- Issue 3

Top Ten Cutest Things Ever

November 1, 2003
  1. The Second cutest thing, after you
    kill the cutest thing
  2. Kitty riding a Care Bear vomiting
    rainbows
  3. Oscar and Elmo reconciling their
    feud
  4. Really, really cuddly lobsters
  5. Your daughter’s first pearl necklace
  6. Bambi, smiling
  7. Panda hugging a unicorn
  8. Puppies (if alive)
  9. Olsen Twins in 1991
  10. Hello Kitty having an Orgasm
Volume 13- Issue 3

R&B Lyrics Too Implicit For Middle Schoolers

November 1, 2003
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“Pony,” the breakthrough hit from R&B star Ginuwine, was barred from all future play at Willard Middle School dances after school officials declared the song’s lyrics to be too tame for the student body.

“‘Send chills up and down your spine/Juices flowing down your thigh?'” said Principal Andrew Simmons in an official statement. “Come on. This song reeks of 1996. As educators, we can accept only the freak-nastiest jams for your eleven year-olds.”

Student government president Tiffany Moran agreed. “‘Pony’ might have been the shit for my big sister, but this is, like, the twenty-first century. You take Khia, on the other hand – now she a nasty bitch.

Volume 13- Issue 3

Ostensible Fun Fact Turns Out to Be Terrifying Omen

November 1, 2003
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On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at him from the underside of the cap.

Moments later, a tremendous cloud of mosquitoes descended upon Dempsey and drank three pints of his banana-rich blood.

Snapple Spokesperson Amber Horowitz remarked, “Snapple is not liable when God uses its enjoyable ‘fun fact’ feature in ironic ways.”

“I don’t know what was worse GAA almost being eaten alive by a swarm of mosquitoes, or being slapped in the face seconds beforehand with the inevitability of it,” Dempsey told the Squelch from his bed at Alta Bates Medical Center, where he remains in stable condition. “Thanks for the fun fact, Snapple.”

Volume 13- Issue 3

A Berkeley Homecoming

November 1, 2003
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What if all of Berkeley’s heroes came to visit their adoring campus? Well, they’d probably like Top Dog, for starters.

Prologue

STEVE: Hey, you know what’d be awesome? If we got all of our heroes to come to Berkeley.
JOSH: You mean, like, Gandhi? Or Marx?
STEVE: Or Che Guevara! I saw him on a shirt once.
JOSH: Wow, a shirt?
STEVE: You know, I still have that magic lamp with one wish left in it, and I’m kinda over the idea of a car made of hot women. I wish for all our heroes to magically–
JORDAN: Dude, Dave Matthews!
STEVE: Goddamit Jordan, you’re so high right now.

At the Airport

CHE GUEVARA: Power of Che Guevara!
KARL MARX: Power of Karl Marx!
MAHATMA GANDHI: Power of Mahatma Gandhi!
DAVE MATTHEWS: Power of the Beatles!
KARL MARX: You’re not the Beatles.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Part of me knows that.

Friendly Chatting

GANDHI: So Che, how was your flight in?
CHE: You know, coming from hell and all, I flew in on the burning vapor trails of a screeching cacodemon.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Guess you shouldn’t have flown Southwest! Zing!! [Silence]
DAVE MATTHEWS: C’mon, that was totally a zing! [Silence]
MARX: Oh look, they’re selling hemp jewelry.

_In the Dorms _

CHE: Hey, look at all these posters of me!
GANDHI: And me!
DAVE MATTHEWS: And me! [Pause]
MARX: Yeah, screw you guys. I’m going to the DC to get tacos.

_At a City Council Meeting _

GANDHI: Leaders of Berkeley, we come here from across time and space to solve all the problems of your fair city! We will bring a new age of civility, and development, and–
KRISS WORTHINGTON: We’ve got to stop construction of this cell phone antenna!
TOM BATES: What is it about the antenna?
WORTHINGTON: Well, for starters, it’s an eyesore–
MARX: Excuse me, we’re here to get rid of homelessness, traffic–
BATES: But what of the antenna?
WORTHINGTON: Yes, the antenna!
MARX: Forget the antenna. We’ve got bigger–
WORTHINGTON: I’m sorry, did you file a speaker card ten minutes prior to the meeting?
MARX: Well, no….
GANDHI: But we’ve crossed the very fabric of existence to…
BATES: No card, no speak. Now back to this antenna.

Leaving Berkeley

CHE: You know, for having miraculously come back to life to visit a thriving college campus, I feel like we really didn’t do much.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Didn’t do much… like a poli sci major! [Silence]
DAVE MATTHEWS: I’m going to go the bathroom. [Dave Matthews walks away]
MARX: Quick, let’s go to the DC… and get more tacos.

Volume 13- Issue 3

Take off that fucking trucker hat

November 1, 2003
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Dear posers,

Take off that fucking trucker hat.

I hate all of you wannabe skater punks who think it’s cool to get paid $16K a year to drive across country with only your CB radio and a half gallon of hand moisturizer, but don’t wear are fucking hats! I’ll tell you this much, you won’t see us truckers wearing your girly Hurley T-shirts or your Abercrombie gear. We don’t pretend to look like Ashton Kutcher, so maybe you should stop pretending to look like us! Trucker hats are for truckers and faded jeans are for homos and that’s just how it is.

You wouldn’t wear O.R. scrubs to class, nor would you wear one of those silly British police caps, so why a trucker hat? That hat is our uniform. It’s like a badge that only us truckers are given the honor to wear! It’s the law! I’m serious! Ever since congress voted to pass the Trucker Hat Act in 1948 (HB 1037), truckers have been given, “sole authority to sport all trucker wear and paraphernalia; especially the hat. Take away our hats and we have nothing! Just a truck and that hitchhiker who performs oral!

In addition to breaking the law, you law breakers, your wearing a trucker hat creates national security problems. Think about this, suppose you are walking down a street when a trucker blows a tire. The driver gets out with his authentic trucker hat on and asks you (a trucker hat-wearing civilian) for help. Will you know how to replace his tire? You could be putting an entire nation at risk! What if the truck is carrying nuclear bombs and then another truck carrying fireworks plows into it and then another truck full of cigar-smoking Cuban immigrants crashes into that! An entire state could be nuked because some stupid poser on the street couldn’t help the driver change a fucking tire!

So, in summary, take off the Trucker Hat and deliver them immediately to any local truck stop for redistribution among the trucking community. Cute girls wearing trucker hats can keep them on cause they look hot in them. Stupid, but hot. Everyone else relinquish your caps immediately.

-Trucker Dan “No Fat Chicks” Jackson