In Other News
Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings
Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans
Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies
Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets… Read More
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Sports Quickies
Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the … Read More
Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. … Read More
Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when … Read More
God Blamed For Global Disasters
In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war… Read More
Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image
Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans… Read More
Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop
At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 … Read More
Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever… Read More
New Math Department Courses Teach Culture
The UC Berkeley Department of Mathematics today announced its Fall 2006 Schedule of Classes, containing in it some surprising new course offerings. Alongside such bread-and-butter staples as Math 16B: “This Course is Integral to your Future” … Read More
Divorce Guide
In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a… Read More
