Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Rejected Top Dog Flavors

November 1, 1998
  1. Huey Foot-Long
  2. Sinatra Frank
  3. Snoop Dog
  4. Cute Little Baby Harp Seal
  5. Olestra Dog (with extra anal leakage)
  6. 1 Can’t Believe it’s Not Top Dog
  7. Snausages
  8. Irish Terrier
  9. Lewinsky-wurst (with filling)
  10. Pig Intestine Stuffed with Snouts-n-Hooves
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Rejected Titles to “It’s 3AM” by Matchbox 20

November 1, 1998
  1. It’s 6AM, We’re Still Laying Out the Squelch Because the Fucking Computer Crashed and We Ended Up Spending $25 on Adobe Technical Support Talking to Nancy, a Midwest Dyke Who Told Us the Likelihood of Recovering Our File Was Hopeless at Best and Wouldn’t&
  2. It’s 3AM, Only Three Months Until I Get Impeached
  3. I’m Lonely. It Must Be 3AM
  4. It’s 12:00,1 Can’t Feed My Mogwai Anymore
  5. It’s 3:16, I Must Be John
  6. it’s 3-24, We Beat the Spread
  7. It’s 4:20,1 Must Be Toking
  8. It’s 3AM, Why are You Still Here?
  9. It’s 3AM, Do You Know Where Your Children Are?
  10. It’s 3AM, I Must Be Sleeping
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Advantages of Having a Giant Tapeworm

November 1, 1998
  1. All the benefits of bulimia without staining your teeth.
  2. No need for leeches.
  3. A tapeworm is man’s second best friend.
  4. If you’re Jewish, you can eat pork.
  5. Cheaper than getting reamed.
  6. Tapeworms are recordable, unlike CD worms.
  7. Not as bad as having a razor-wire worm.
  8. You can measure stuff really easily.
  9. Smaller bowel movements.
  10. You can drive in the carpool lane whenever you want.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Things Our Place Kicker Can Do

November 1, 1998
  1. Kick the ball through the invisible goal posts just to the right of the visible ones
  2. Jump, Jive, and Wail
  3. Fuck up Lucy’s shit
  4. Cunnilingus
  5. Pick his nose
  6. Break Dance
  7. Play Starcraft (with his toes!)
  8. Binge drink
  9. Jacks
  10. Racquetball
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Reasons You’re Reading This

November 1, 1998
  1. You’re not.
  2. Courtney is a cheap water polo whore.
  3. You’re looking for the next insult, Courtney.
  4. It turns you on.
  5. You’re not in the Greek System.
  6. Hooked on phonics worked for you.
  7. The guy who draws “Lemont Brown” has writer’s block again.
  8. The guy who draws “Lemont Brown” has writer’s block again.
  9. If you stop reading we’ll come after you.
  10. . You’re caught in a space-time warp.
  11. Courtney is a cheap water polo whore.
  12. You’re not.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Failed New Fall Variety Shows

November 1, 1998
  1. Regis and Kenny G
  2. Good Morning Canada
  3. World’s Scariest Julia Herriges Columns
  4. Make Me Cry
  5. Viva Monotony
  6. This Week in Nosepicking
  7. America’s Most Horrific Beaver Disembowelments
  8. Win Ben Stein’s Stash
  9. When Ducks Attack
  10. That’s Impossible!
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Thanksgiving

November 1, 1998
  1. Gratify yourself at the kids’ table.
  2. Paint eggs and hide them.
  3. Get a keg and hire the Spin Doctors.
  4. Blow all your money on Quaker prostitutes
  5. Say “You’re welcome.”
  6. Stuff Grandma.
  7. Think about stuff that sucks and how it could be better.
  8. Fist a “Pumpkin”.
  9. Stuff the turkey.
  10. Kill some Injuns.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Surprise Beanie-Baby Releases for Christmas ’98

November 1, 1998
  1. Junkie: Chipmunk with track marks in all his cute wille fuzzy-wuzzy radial artery
  2. Chippy: Chigger with authentic skin-burrowing pincers
  3. Mangy: Half-starved Telegraph black Labrador
  4. Clampy: Lamprey that attaches to other toys and sucks their blood
  5. Breathless: Fetal pig in jar of formaldehyde
  6. Roly-Poly: Dungbeetle with scratch- n-sniff poo balls
  7. Ignatius: Iguana with anatomically correct bifurcated penis
  8. Hipster: Hippo with baby swallowing jaw-clamp action
  9. Trippy: The tri-testicular tarantula
  10. Baby Rattle: Rattlesnake with super bite action and real working venom