Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Ways to Conserve Energy

February 1, 2001
  1. Only dustbust really dangerous dirt
  2. Turn off heater, begin sleeping in oven
  3. Let Grandpa die with dignity
  4. Only wash car when you have a full load
  5. Shave balls with disposable razor
  6. Unplug yourself, if you’re an appliance or robot
  7. Rapidly flip lights on and off, so that they’re off half the time
  8. Pump CO directly into car instead of letting gas fill garage
  9. Physically visit server locations for web browsing
  10. Shake vibrator and make humming sound
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Places to Have Sex on Campus

February 1, 2001
  1. Above me
  2. In the GBC, for only two swipes
  3. Cloyne Court, if you’ve got herpes
  4. In Chancellor’s jowls
  5. In the butt
  6. QC174.45.M444 – QC654.14.T373
  7. In Hoku Jeffrey’s hair
  8. Wherever she passes out
  9. 122 Wheeler (wink, wink)
  10. Underneath me
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Ways to Respond to “Have You Been Flossing”

February 1, 2001
  1. “You’re just a frizzy haired white woman making a comfortable wage, what are you gonna do about it?
  2. “If by ‘floss’ you mean ‘masturbate,’ then yes.”
  3. “No, but you can keep what you find.”
  4. “What do you think these birds are for?”
  5. “It’s just not realistic when you have braces.”
  6. “Where do you think these fajitas come from?”
  7. “No need, since I pulled every other tooth.”
  8. “It’s hard when you suck on raw sugar cane all day.”
  9. “Isn’t that what I pay you people for?”
  10. “No. Have you been douching?”
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Things to Do on a Beautiful Day

February 1, 2001
  1. Wake up at 5pm and realize you missed it all
  2. Find a Frisbee and the closest unshaven girl to play with
  3. Code photo-realistic 3-D sunlight effect in basement of video game company
  4. Tape the day, and save it for later
  5. Eat fresh pears right off the tree until you get arrested for trespassing
  6. Check out what’s going on at beautifulday.com
  7. Find your loved one and roll around in the grass so everyone else feels like shit
  8. Enjoy a sunburn
  9. Imagine what it would be like to not be allergic to natural light
  10. Stay inside and study
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten New Rides at California Adventure

February 1, 2001
  1. Mini-Disneyland with mini-California Adventure
  2. It’s a Regulated Market After All
  3. Pirates of Hollywood Avenue
  4. Hall of Incompetent Governors from Reagen to Davis
  5. Sweater Vest Mountain
  6. Bakersfield Klansmen Jamboree
  7. The Disney Store
  8. Japanese Tourist Land
  9. Dotcom Six-story Drop
  10. Juan y Pablo’s Wild Border Crossing Adventure
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Items Found in a Prison Gift Basket

February 1, 2001
  1. Jar of sunshine
  2. Ring of keys, but not those keys
  3. Two consecutive lifetime supplies of chocolate
  4. Funyuns
  5. Chip to wear on your shoulder when you get out
  6. License plate starter kit
  7. Cake w/ emory board
  8. DVD of “Dead Man Walking”
  9. Anal chap stick
  10. Pardon from Al Gore
Volume 10- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Pick Billy Last for Dodgeball

February 1, 2001
  1. Billy is 4 feet wide and half as tall
  2. Billy is comprised of superdense matter which causes him to have a strong gravitational pull, thus giving him an inherent dodgeball disadvantage
  3. Color of his skin
  4. You saw Billy take a shit in the shower
  5. Because Billy didn’t put out
  6. Contrary to public sentiment, Billy keeps trying to be a hero
  7. Because Billy can’t even dodge a tether ball
  8. He keeps eating the ball
  9. Because there are only two people playing
  10. You already picked everyone good