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I wanted to go in, but the placenta wanted to come out
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Because my mother told me so
- Two people, five hands
- So much dirt was involved
- First condom breaking, fine; fifth condom breaking, weird
- Because you’re not going to
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Reasons to Raise the Fence Around Berkeley High
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Because you already raised the roof
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Prevent Tom Holmoe from ruining their football team, too
- Less schools, less prisons, more prison-schools
- Make it even harder to leave Berkeley High
- Kids are getting taller
- Misinterpreted “raising the bar”
- See if students
Top Ten Times to Look Down a Girl’s Shirt
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When you can’t look at her cootch
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In Astro lab with your big ol’ telescope!! Aw yeah.
- At church when she bows for communion
- When your boyfriend isn’t looking
- When you’re just friends and she’s just hot
- Any time
- When
Top Ten Jeopardy Categories
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Potent Potables
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Biblical Harlots
- Rhetorical Questions
- Cross-Dressers I’ve Been Fooled By
- Famous First People to Step on Moon
- Ends With Y
- Famous Old Dead Cocksuckers
- Pederasty
- Yes/No Answers
- My Clothes Off (As in, “I’ll take My Clothes Off for eight
Top Ten Porn Cereals
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Porn Flakes
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Blueberry Hand Job
- Cream of Guy
- Cinnamon Ass Munch
- Product 69
- Frosted Mini-Teats
- Honey Womb
- Cap’n Crotch
- Special KY
- Dild-O’s
Top Ten Things to Say While Leading a Campus Tour
- “This is where the Squelch writes top ten lists . . . Hey, what are you doing with that notepad? He’s writing down everything we say!” Self-reference is stupid.
- “I cut this glory hole myself.”
- “There goes my ex-girlfriend–On three,
Top Ten Pornographic California License Plates
- SKNFLUT
- RIM JOB
- BOOBIES
- MSTRB8R
- FOOTGUY
- BESTIAL
- VAGANAL
- 8MYBALS
- MYCOKNU
- IEATBOX
Top Five Sentences Containing All 26 Letters of the English Alphabet
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The quick brown lumps over jazzy box frowned dog
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The quick dog jumps over lazy frown box
- Lazy dogs, quick, jump over the brown fox!
- The brown fox jumps quick over the lazy dog
- The quick brown fox jumps over
Seth Green Accepts Supporting Role in Seth Green Story
Edgy teen-flick mainstay Seth Green has signed on for a supporting role for Tristar Pictures’ upcoming film, The Seth Green Story, a biopic chronicling the rise of actor Seth Green. Green will be played by heartthrob Freddie Prinze, Jr., with … Read More
Wrong Mommy’s Legs Followed
Jessica Marzan, age 4 1/2, had lost her Mommy, a Walnut Creek Nordstrom’s PA system reported last week. Marzan had spent nearly three minutes following the blue-jeans-clad legs of a woman who she presumed to be her mother. It was … Read More