When Herman Garvey rented a pornographic video recently, he got more than he bargained for. Seventeen minutes into the movie, clearly fornicating with a water-cooler delivery man, was his own daughter, Stephanie Garvey, 20. Needless to say, Herman was quite … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Things Porn Stars Do After Work
- The opposite of sex
- Read a romance novel by firelight
- Go home to wife, just snuggle
- Buy Costco drum of mouthwash
- Lather, rinse, repeat
- Husband
- Algebra homework
- Call a real plumber
- Laundry
- Put pants back on
Kiddy Drawing Just A Bunch of Cliches
Critics and art enthusiasts across the country were stunned last week after noticing a drawing by 5-year old Shelly Atkinson, which all agreed was just a collection of kiddy drawing cliches lacking any real artistic insight.
48-year old veteran critic … Read More
Declaring Things Dead Pronounced Dead
One picosecond ago, a Windows text editor became autonomous and immediately pronounced that the concept of declaring things such as ideas, trends, or artistic movements to be “dead” was itself dead. The concept of declaring things as “dead” co-originated with … Read More
Top Ten Products and Activities in the Futuristic Dystopia Envisioned in the Film “Rollerball”
- Whammerhammers
- Kablammerhammers
- Smackerhammers
- Bonkerhammers
- Hitterbats
- Toastertoasters
- Babymakersex
- Brusherbrushes
- Floaterboats
- Flyerplanes
Zagat Guide: East Coast
4, 5, or 6, New York City Metropolitan Transportation
Borough Hall GAA Brooklyn, Lex Ave GAA Manhattan, Pelham Bay Park GAA Bronx
Decor: 4 Service: Incomprehensible Cost: $1.50
If you “don’t mind the crowds of people and crowds of rats … Read More
In Love With the Love Bug
Sure, I wasn’t the only kid who grew up with a treasured, worn-out copy of Herbie Rides Again, purchased at exorbitant rates because no one bought videos back then. The local Albertson’s never had a copy of The Love … Read More
King of the Co-ops
So you want to be a co-oper, eh? Well it’s not as easy as donning a pair of Birkenstocks, getting yourself a stray dog and walking around bare-foot. No, being a co-oper takes more than simply learning a really good … Read More
Top Twelve Items in a “Hi-Tech Burrito”
- 600 Free Hours of AOL for 45 days
- Open-Source Salsa
- Global positioning software
- Smart Beef
- Supercream XP
- Surveillance Olives
- Missle Defense Shield
- Hoverbeans
- Kt133 – Chipset
- Stealth guacamole
Man Gives Up Celibacy for Lent
Berkeley’s Zeke Tyler, 22, is about to do the unthinkable: “I’m giving up not having sex for Lent,” Tyler declared Monday to a shocked gathering of friends. “Sex. For forty days and forty nights.”
Friends remain skeptical that the notoriously … Read More
