Sometimes, I think of ways to escape my horrible dead-end life. First, I’d fashion a shiv from a piece of a shattered dream. Then, I’d use it to stab an inner demon and make a break for it. I’d have … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Berdahl Chokes on Hacky Sack
After a successful recovery from prostate cancer last spring, UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert M. Berdahl suffered a major setback when he choked on a Hacky Sack while playing with his compatriots outside the University House.
Medics rushed to the scene … Read More
Top Ten Reasons Bush Can Wage War Without The Consent of Congress
- ‘Cause
- He got the OK from Barbara Lee over tears and coffee
- Because he’s our fairly and democratically elected commander-in-chief
- Got consent from Israeli Parliament instead
- Because no one cares what he does with his toy soldiers
- Thought consent was
Top Ten Things Women Do in the Bathroom Together
- Silently go about their business
- Each other
- Talk shit
- Conspire against Castro
- Wait for the GHB to be put in their
drink - Solve crimes
- Magically transfer excrement from
body to toilet, because girls don’t take
shits - Discuss merits of Hobbesian
Top Ten Things Tom Holmoe is Doing Right Now
- Sleeping in gutter
- Trying to throw bricks through
Tedford’s window - Buying new polo shirts
- Watching Cal Games with the sound
off, pretending he’s coaching - Sitting in a bathtub of peach schnapps
eating ice cream and watching 24
straight hours of
Top Ten Reasons You’re Hanging Upside Down
- Turning frown upside down
- Y’ain’t got no neck
- Hiccups
- You just invented a new language in which “upside down” means “curtains.”
- To protect yourself from that one serial killer who only kills right-side-uppies.
- You’re a dyslexic bat in bizarro land
Top Five Orientation Sessions
- When Helping Hurts: Learning to Love Your Cactus Plants
- Sexual Orientation Orientation
- This is a Pain Stick: Getting Along With Orderlies at Your Mental Institution
- So You’ve Joined the Space Program Ice Cream Social
- The Uterus, Your New Home
Top Ten Things to Be Buried In
- Na Gadda Da Vida
- Cognito
- Woolly mammoth’s belly
- Spite of your dying wishes.
- Styyyyle
- Plaid
- Bacon
- The body of a slightly larger, equally dead man
- Multiple suitcases
- A suitcase
Top Five Movies Featuring Internet Constructions
- www.geocities.com/ SunsetStrip/ Bedroom/9029/
- swimfan69IM mefordirtypre teenlolitasex rapebondage fisting@aol.com
- feardotorg.net
- swimfan85@aol.com
- feardotcom.com
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies (About Cereal)
- Road to Nutrition (director’s cut)
- Monsoon Gangbang Chex
- Halloween Resur-erection Crunch
- The Cum of All Nutritional Fears
- My Big Fat-Free Greek Orgy
- Special K-19: The Widowfucker
- Divine Secretions of the Mueslix Sisterhood
- The Scorpion Cheeri-O-Ring
- Austin Plow-her in Goldmember Grahams
