Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Waffle Iron Defeats Mark Thomas
In an industrial-strength waffle iron, a waffle cooks in three minutes, burns in five, and humiliates in ten. The beautiful metamorphosis from batter to delicious breakfast dish relies on a delicate balance mediated by the iron cocoon. The following is … Read More
Miles Davis: Practical Joker
Miles Davis is more than a jazz musician: he is a cultural icon, known even to people who can’t tell bebop from fusion. His mellifluous style and rich spontaneous compositions became the hallmark of his style and attitude. Although he … Read More
Two Second Mystery
Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
The Magic School Bus and the Bancroft/Telegraph Bus Stop
Ms. Frizzle fluttered whimsically into her 3rd grade class and said to the students, “Today we’re taking a field trip to the most wonderful place!”
“But Ms. Frizzle, its 3 o’clock. School is over.” Michelle noted.
“We don’t need clocks … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
Study : Prolonged Exposure to Jesse Jackson Harmful
Results of an extensive study conducted by researchers at NYU have confirmed that listening to the Reverend Jesse Jackson makes you dumber. As part of the study, three groups of ten adults (age 18-45) were put in separate isolated rooms … Read More
Snoop Dogg in Different Wacky Situations
After winning an OscarGA$A3 for his riveting role in Bones, one man’s plight with ho pimpin’ and bitch slappin’:
Snoop: We goin’ smoke an ounce to that!
Ho: Oh Snoop, you’ve done it again. (round of laughter)
After winning the … Read More
A Letter to Now Todd from Future Todd
Todd of April 2003,
This is Todd of April 2033, thirty years into the future! Don’t believe me? Note that the stamps commemorate the tenth anniversary of 2023, and that the Return Address states ‘The Future!’ Still skeptical? The final … Read More
Researchers Seek Subjects for New Study on Sexuality
Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to … Read More
