- You paid Stanford $120,000
- You’re Kyle Boller and it’s opposite day
- You need to go star in a late-60’s movie with Ann Bancroft
- Like Stalin, your third five-year plan was wildly successful
- Cause you can’t go home and you can’t
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Other Things to Do in Your Year Abroad in France
- Grow a thin mustache
- Smoke cigarettes and look cool
- Pop that kid’s damn balloon
- Tell every French person you meet, “Gee, how ’bout that Maginot Line?”
- Fall in love with a beast
- Try to step in the exact same place
Top Ten Reasons Buying Drugs Supports Terrorism
- Misguided “smoke a blunt, get a bomb” program
- Allah so much cooler when high
- Drug use makes you ineligible for the armed services
- The little girl on the bike that you killed while driving around high would have been the
Top Ten Things to Do in Your Year Abroad in France
- Mess with those guards that can’t talk
- Eat fish n’chips
- Hunt big game
- Fly to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
- Carnaval!
- Tour the Amazon
- Oktoberfest
- Sake bomb
- Do as the Romans do
- Go to Amsterdam
Top Ten Reasons We Won in Iraq
- Silly String funny, not lethal
- Grandma Bush’s homemade lemonade
- Iraq painted fierce looking “X”s on top of all military installations, hoping to scare off U.S. planes
- Three words: R. Lee Ermey
- Human wall actually made out of easily penetrable human
Top Eight Pornographic Oscar-Nominated Films
- About Slit
- Fellate Me if You Can
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding Night
- The Hours and Hours of Sex
- About a Boytoy
- Spirited Lay
- The 12-inch Uncircumcised Pianist
- Gangbangs of New York
Top Ten Greatest Things Prior to Sliced Bread
- Chicken… or the egg
- Unsliced condoms
- Fusion power
- The telephone
- Marzipan!
- Loaves
- Not dying of cholera
- Sex and/or masturbation
- Bread Slicer, invented in 1793 by Eli Whitney
- Sliced peanut butter
Man Dips Penis in Fish Tank, Tells No One
But don’t you tell anybody, okay?… Read More
Researchers Seek Subjects for New Study on Sexuality
Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to … Read More
Writer Drunk
This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean … Read More
