The Interview
GABRIEL: …And then the Devil comes in and says “Okay, coffeebreak over, back on your heads!”
SOUL: Ha ha ha! Oh, that’s so hilarious!
GABRIEL: Okay, seriously, what’s your intended circle of heaven?
SOUL: I think I want … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Co-ed Discovers the Joy of Balls
After a 21-year streak of chastity almost Victorian in its scope and vigor, student Samantha Gilroy recently came face to face with a pair of testicles for the very first time. Her overwhelmingly positive reaction to the event is touching … Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Kick Someone in the Shins
- You already kicked them in the nads
- Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
- The shins belong to Hitler
- You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
- Their shins
Student Unable to Answer Prayers
On Monday, Jesus Escalante filed for a change of login name with the Campus Computing Services, citing email harrassment as the reason for the request.
“My email address is jesus@ uclink.berkeley.edu,” said Escalante, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “In … Read More
Top Ten Makeshift Hairbrushes
- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even
Top Ten Subject Lines for Penis Enlargement Spam
- Break her apart and put your person-sized dick on trial for murder
- Require attendants to carry your oxen-sized member on a tarp
- Suck the rest of the blood from your body with your blistering red penis
- Embarass yourself in public
Top Seven Things You’ll Find While Driving Lost in a Movie
- Michael J. Fox
- Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
- Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
- A cult of children that murder people
An Introduction to Boozes for the New College Man
Welcome to Cal. By this time, thanks to the massive spiritual coming-together of 18 year-olds freed for the first time in a new city and kegs of Natural Ice freed to flow once again from their summer hiatus in retched-beer … Read More
Top Five Foolish Things to Sell Your Soul For
- Fudge
- The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered
Top Two Unanswered Requests of God
- All the starving people
- Miraculous 2nd coat of wax on my Thunderbird
