- You already kicked them in the nads
- Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
- The shins belong to Hitler
- You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
- Their shins
Author Archives: The Squelch
Co-ed Discovers the Joy of Balls
After a 21-year streak of chastity almost Victorian in its scope and vigor, student Samantha Gilroy recently came face to face with a pair of testicles for the very first time. Her overwhelmingly positive reaction to the event is touching … Read More
If Getting into Heaven Were Like Getting into College
The Interview
GABRIEL: …And then the Devil comes in and says “Okay, coffeebreak over, back on your heads!”
SOUL: Ha ha ha! Oh, that’s so hilarious!
GABRIEL: Okay, seriously, what’s your intended circle of heaven?
SOUL: I think I want … Read More
Top Seven Things You’ll Find While Driving Lost in a Movie
- Michael J. Fox
- Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
- Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
- A cult of children that murder people
Top Five Foolish Things to Sell Your Soul For
- Fudge
- The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered
Top Two Unanswered Requests of God
- All the starving people
- Miraculous 2nd coat of wax on my Thunderbird
Top Eleven Least Sexy Porn Star Names
- Grover Cleveland
- Beastly Muff
- Pubic Zirconium
- Spelling Bea
- Busty Brian
- Hot Karla
- Synnamin Rollz
- World’s Best Grandma
- Steele Reserrv
- Krabb Kakes
- Karrot Pealer
Top Ten Ways to Meet a Girl at Berkeley
- Two words: Platinum codpiece
- Learn a couple Elliot Smith songs on acoustic guitar; instantly become ball-deep in poontang
- E-vite for one
- Become an RA
- Ask your ex for all her friends’ phone numbers
- Hang out outside girl’s bathroom. Try very
Top Ten Gums that Cure Erectile Dysfunction
- Dick Gum: Gum for Your Dick
- Dickorette
- The toothless gums of your sexy grandmother (fellating me)
- Bazooka Johnspn
- Juicy Fruitbasket
- Dicklets
- Doublewidth
- XXXtra
- Big Red
- Humple Yum
Top Ten Makeshift Hairbrushes
- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even