- Identical twin failed to shave goatee
- Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
- Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
- Flying a plane is actually really hard
- Pirates are late. AGAIN
- Your
Author Archives: The Squelch
Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image
Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by … Read More
Divorce Guide
In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated … Read More
Top Five Signs Your STD is Stronger than You
- <u>It</u> has herpes, and <u>it</u> doesn’t whine about it
- Its favorite movie is Fight Club, yours is Mulan
- You die of it
- Smokes Cigarettes, unfiltered
- Frequents the 24 Hr. Fitness located somewhere near your butt-hole
Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can … Read More
Top Ten Things Not to Say Before Making Out
- I interpret drunken making out as an invitation to a long term relationship
- This counts as your turn
- Quick, before my dad stops watching!
- Thank god, I thought I was going to have to throw up in my hands
- Your
Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take … Read More
The Collected Disappointments of James R. Henderson
December 24th, 1960: Found out Santa wasn’t real
I stayed up all night anxiously watching over the cookies and milk I had left for Santa. As soon as I heard a rustle down the chimney, I ran forward to give … Read More
New Math Department Courses Teach Culture
The UC Berkeley Department of Mathematics today announced its Fall 2006 Schedule of Classes, containing in it some surprising new course offerings. Alongside such bread-and-butter staples as Math 16B: “This Course is Integral to your Future” and Math 113: “I … Read More
Top Six Rejected Alternatives to LL Cool J’s line, “I’m Staring at Your Cornea / You’re Getting Horniah and Horniah”
- I’m staring at your complexion/ And getting a boner
- I’m visiting an island of the western Pacific Ocean in the Malay
- I’m climbing in your wardrobe/ It’s getting Narnia and Narnia
- I’m cooking you some breakfast hash/ I’m getting cornier
