CIRCLE OR STAIN THE CORRECT ANSWER YOU MUST PASS WITH AN 85% TO OBTAIN CLASS 1 LICENSE
Health & Safety Section (2 Questions)
- In the event someone on set is choking, you should:
… Read MoreA. Perform the Heimlich
B. Call 911
Author Archives: The Squelch
McCain and Guiliani Exploratory Committees Race to the Finish
Tensions mounted in the Republican Party over the weekend as the exploratory committees for Senator John McCain (R – AZ) and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani came closer and closer to reaching the South Pole.
“The polling data suggests … Read More
SwordTech Inc.’s Troubleshooting Guide
Q : My sword is not cleaving through enemy hordes like it should.
A : Be sure to remove your sword from your sheath before attempting to slaughter enemy hordes. The sheath is recognizable by its non-metallic surface and its … Read More
Father and Son Game of Hide-and-Seek Concluded After 30 Years
Edward Bixby, 46, recently concluded a drawn-out game of Hide and Seek with his 68-year-old father James Bixby. Edward found his father in the line of the Sheridan County Welfare Office in Sheridan, Kansas.
“I was doing the rounds in … Read More
Goomba War Journal
A New Leader, A New Hope
A friend of mine brought me to a political rally today. The speaker had a brilliant two-point plan for reformation:
1) Kidnap the princess.
2) (To Be Announced)
Surely this Bowser is a revolutionary … Read More
Is Your Man a STUD, a DUD, or a CROCODILE?!
- Which of these best describes your man’s look:
a. Fresh, stylish, and clean-cut.
b. Casual, scruffy, disheveled.
c. Easily mistaken for a floating log.
- What’s the most romantic thing he’s likely to do:
a. Send you a love note just … Read More
Words From the Top
Stop Masturbating
In this crazy chop-chop, let’s-get-going, stop-crying-and-put-your-shoes-on-so-help-me-God world, time is our most important resource. Time and pig iron. And you know who know how to manage their time? Benedictine monks. Whether it be translating everything into Latin or making sweet-ass wine, … Read More
Scientists Yet Again Start Work on Project Other than Rocket Car
Research and Development teams at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have reportedly begun work on a new project. When asked at a press conference how this project would affect the development of the rocket car, developers replied that the current … Read More
Pie Most Venomous
It is a mighty testament to the flexibility of my character that I have agreed to publish in this sordid periodical, which is produced by a particularly degenerate cluster of Hebrews, sodomites, and sour-tongued atheists who imbibe spirits at a … Read More
Incredibly Awesome Explosion Leaves 30 Dead, 60 Highly Entertained
Tragedy struck Berkeley this week when a big rig truck carrying petroleum crashed into a firearms factory that happened to be celebrating Chinese New Year. Over twenty employees were killed instantly by the panoply of explosions that followed, and an … Read More
