- Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run
- When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
- When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
- Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
- When your pet onion
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- Hearst So Good
- Haas School of Dirty Dirty Business
- DilDoe Library
- CockRoads Dining Commons
- Scissor Gate
- Bulge School of Law
- Kama Sutrardja Dai
- Muff-it Library
- Squealer Auditorium
- Bang Center
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- My Mother the Cardamom
- Freaks and Leeks
- It’s Always Sunny in Fenneldelphia
- Saffron and Son
- Allspice in the Family
- The Rosemary Tyler Moore Show
- Two and a Half Mint
- Adventure Thyme
- Marjoram in the Middle
- Days of our Chives
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- You joined a comedy magazine
- You pronounce ‘caramel’ wrong
- You coughed that bong rip like a pussy
- You never wear your retainer
- You’re a nurse and not a real doctor
- You read too slow
- Your novel is uninspired
- You argue
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- Ron Paul
- Arnold Schwarztenugger
- Andrew Crackson
- Huey P. Bong
- Michael Shroomburg
- Benjamin Danklin
- Harry Weed
- George W. Kush
- Ruth Fader Ginsburg
- John McCocaine
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- Top Ten Top Tens We Didn’t Print oh wait fuck
- Top Ten Jokes Only We Like
- Top Ten Largest Intergers
- Top Ten Imgur Links to Pictures of Our Genitals
- Top Ten Nuclear Launch Codes
- Top Ten Words that Kill You
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- 9/11 was an Inside Handjob
- The Da Vinci Chode
- The Assy Knoll
- Nuts Templar
- Cock Ness Monster
- Fake Poon Landing
- Cumtrails
- Illuminaughty
- Area 69
- Skull and Boners
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- Penis Allen
- Darren Aronofskeet
- John Huge
- Terry Filling-’em
- Martin Scores-easy
- Bust Van Sant
- Rim Burton
- George Lick-ass
- Sam Reamy
- Roman No-pantsky
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- I just threw up! Wanna see?
- [furious panting]
- You make me wish I hadn’t been neutered.
- Do I smell dog feces and urine on you? Because you’ve been rolling around in my mind all day.
- What’s your sign? Mine’s “beware
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- Mercilessly beaten to death during karaoke
- Mainlining too many Pixie Stix
- Crushed in structural collapse of bounce house
- Nerf war escalation
- Heart attack after eating McDonald’s for forty years
- Falling out of an upside-down roller coaster
- Eaten alive by puppies
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