The Squelch needs to raise $1000 dollars by the end of the month or an evil industrialist is going to shut down the community center we’ll only be able to print one issue this year!
Author Archives: The Squelch
Words from the Top
Climbing the Ranks
Dear Readers,
Boy, this production has been a wild ride. We’ve committed some heinous acts in the name of comedy. We forced one of our best friends to take his pants off in a cold basement so we could photoshop … Read More
Top Ten Most Convenient Fetishes
- Shaking hands
- Fully clothed chicks
- Not talking to anyone
- George’s slutty girlfriend
- Getting rejected
- Slightly out-of-shape people
- Rolling in a small pile of ones
- In-store credit
- Drive-thrus
- Masturbation
Top Ten Ways You’re Wasting Your College Years
- You’ve been in college for three years and you STILL haven’t been to a frat party
- Emma doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore
- You gave Emma a love letter on her wedding day
- You’ve asked other women out but you
Top Ten Literary Animals
- Kurt Vonnegoat
- Woodchuck Pahalniuk
- William S Burrowing Owls
- Flannery O’Condor
- Thomas Python
- Emile Zebra
- William Falconer
- Ernest Lemmingway
- David Foster Walrus
- J.R.R. Toucan
Top Ten Fucked-Up Animal Movies
- We Bought a Zoo
- A Siberian Tiger Film
- Saola, or the 120 Days of Sodom
- Altered Snakes
- Apocalypse Cow
- Capybara Holocaust
- Persian Blue Velvet
- A Clockwork Orangutan
- Zero Dog Thirty
- Naked Mole Rat Lunch
Top Ten Signs You Go To UC Berkeley
- You’re easily amused by a list about how you go to UC Berkeley
- There is a big bell tower in the middle of your campus known as the Campanile
- The school newspaper is called the Daily Cal
- Your school is
Top Ten Worst Bands
- Mumford & Sons
- Waka Flocka Firebombing of Dresden
- Gym Class Hiroshima
- The National Socialist
- Michael Bubonic Plague
- Child Soulja Boy
- Trail of Tears for Fears
- Outkastration
- Passion Pits
- Animal Abuse Collective
Top Ten Best Times to Use Comic Sans
- When you’re not exotic enough for Papyrus
- Toddler obituary
- Quirky high school teacher’s Powerpoint presentation
- Your iCarly spect script
- When Windings just won’t cut it
- Funeral announcement for people you hate
- Ironic tattoos
- When your roommate’s paper is due in
Top Ten Campus Locations to Have Sex In
- Hearst So Good
- Haas School of Dirty Dirty Business
- DilDoe Library
- CockRoads Dining Commons
- Scissor Gate
- Bulge School of Law
- Kama Sutrardja Dai
- Muff-it Library
- Squealer Auditorium
- Bang Center
