- Wanna hear a good joke? There are three guys on a plane, a Black, a Jew, and an Italian…
- Shit, we’re out of wiper fluid!
- You guys ever see “Fearless” with that Jeff Bridges guy?
- Stewardess, another Scotch please.
- I
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Five Uses for L & S Degree
- Go on to a stimulating career in management consulting.
- Write IOUs on it.
- Use as a small blanket for those chilly winter nights on the
streets. - Use as toilet paper on days Daily Cal isn’t printed.
- Use reverse side to
Top Ten Things Daily Cal Reporters do the Other 5 days
- Come up with flattering ways to describe most recent Cal football loss.
- Invent goofy personals ads.
- Laugh about Josh’s hair.
- Try to find humor in NO EXIT cartoon.
- Go back to their regular jobs at “Hooked on Phonics”.
- Practice showing
Top Ten Star Trek Spinoffs
- Star Trek: Into the Unemployment Office
- Bones McCoy, M.D.
- Jordie’s Tool-Time
- Datahue
- Kirk and Picard at the movies
- Klingon Kiddie Corner
- Farengi Shopping Network
- Romulan Rap Session
- Deanna Troi’s Psychic Friends Network
- Deep Six-9
Top Ten Reasons to Stay in the Dorms Another Year
- “Chunk”
- Lounge couch has sentimental value.
- They say this year’s Freshman crop is the best since ’86.
- Can never outgrow cheap thrills in co-ed bathroom.
- Now your choice of Drug or Drug-free.
- They’re earthquake safe.
- You’re from Bosnia and Unit
Top Ten Reasons to Get Really Fat
- Get your money’s worth at Sizzler.
- Get paid $30 to lose the weight (and eat anything you want!).
- 2 seats for the price of one.
- Free lifetime PriceClub membership.
- Good excuse for small looking penis.
- Earn extra cash working as
Top Ten Events at the Stoner Olympics
- High Jump
- Synchronized Spliffing
- Bowl Vault
- Jamaican Bobsledding
- Bong Water Polo
- Hemptathalon
- Bowling
- 50m Hash
- JAH-velin throw
- Bong Jump
Top Ten Misdemeanors at Engineering Dorm
-
Showing good color-coordination in dress choices.
-
Programming in BASIC.
- Using a typewriter.
- Using Jove.
- Downloading at 2400.
- Never got past level 8 in D&D.
- Only having one e-mail account.
- Misquoting Star Trek.
- Owning a Mac.
- Dating.
Top Ten Things to do in the Substance-Free-Dorm
- Your RA.
- Pretend you are a narc.
- Call (900) numbers.
- Telekinesis.
- Square dancing.
- Snort Dipsticks and run around on a sugar high.
- Pet-sitting for police drug sniffing dogs.
- Sniffing others’ clothes after they return from Co-op party.
- Virtual kegger.
- Get
Top Ten Reasons to Invade Haiti
- Manifest Destiny.
- Find magic voodoo potion for Hillary’s hair.
- Clinton itching for Caribbean harem.
- To release pent-up frustration from health-care fiasco.
- To stave off impending invasion of U.S.
- We’re bigger than they are.
- Re-assert world dominance through crushing defeat of
