One warm sunny day, I found myself walking through Sproul Plaza, on my way to Moffit, a cold D.C. waffle lump swimming in grease and then lounging comfortably in the pit of my stomach. I strolled past Jake, a Harvard … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Classifieds
Entry Level Mistress sought by Gardener for repentant weeding and soiling. Must supply your own hoes, hose, and ho’s.
STELLA!!! Where are you??
Let the Paddle Seduce You!! Ping-Pong aficiando looking for a partner with a sturdy shaft and smooth … Read More
Ask Biff
A MALE perspective on everyday problems. Biff is not a licensed psychologist, but he is a charter member of Kappa Epsilon Gamma fraternity.
Dear Biff,
The other day I walked in on my son masturbating in his bedroom. I don’t … Read More
Nursery Rhymes for the ’90s
Is it just me, or are the classic nursery rhymes we learned as kids a little behind the times? Here are some traditional rhymes that have been updated to reflect the changing times in which we live. Or to put … Read More
Top Ten Star Trek Spinoffs
- Star Trek: Into the Unemployment Office
- Bones McCoy, M.D.
- Jordie’s Tool-Time
- Datahue
- Kirk and Picard at the movies
- Klingon Kiddie Corner
- Farengi Shopping Network
- Romulan Rap Session
- Deanna Troi’s Psychic Friends Network
- Deep Six-9
Top Ten Reasons to Stay in the Dorms Another Year
- “Chunk”
- Lounge couch has sentimental value.
- They say this year’s Freshman crop is the best since ’86.
- Can never outgrow cheap thrills in co-ed bathroom.
- Now your choice of Drug or Drug-free.
- They’re earthquake safe.
- You’re from Bosnia and Unit
Top Ten Reasons to Get Really Fat
- Get your money’s worth at Sizzler.
- Get paid $30 to lose the weight (and eat anything you want!).
- 2 seats for the price of one.
- Free lifetime PriceClub membership.
- Good excuse for small looking penis.
- Earn extra cash working as
Top Ten Events at the Stoner Olympics
- High Jump
- Synchronized Spliffing
- Bowl Vault
- Jamaican Bobsledding
- Bong Water Polo
- Hemptathalon
- Bowling
- 50m Hash
- JAH-velin throw
- Bong Jump
Top Ten Misdemeanors at Engineering Dorm
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Showing good color-coordination in dress choices.
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Programming in BASIC.
- Using a typewriter.
- Using Jove.
- Downloading at 2400.
- Never got past level 8 in D&D.
- Only having one e-mail account.
- Misquoting Star Trek.
- Owning a Mac.
- Dating.
Top Ten Things to do in the Substance-Free-Dorm
- Your RA.
- Pretend you are a narc.
- Call (900) numbers.
- Telekinesis.
- Square dancing.
- Snort Dipsticks and run around on a sugar high.
- Pet-sitting for police drug sniffing dogs.
- Sniffing others’ clothes after they return from Co-op party.
- Virtual kegger.
- Get
