Nursery Rhymes for the ’90s

Is it just me, or are the classic nursery rhymes we learned as kids a little behind the times? Here are some traditional rhymes that have been updated to reflect the changing times in which we live. Or to put it another, this is how they might have sounded had the people who wrote been living in the ’90s.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her.
Put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well.
Until the day she escaped from his trick,
And while he was sleeping, she cut off his prick.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
It burned her mouth,
and made her cry out,
And she sued McDonalds the next day.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses
and all the King’s men,
Left him to die; they were Republicans.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick.
To the guys in his Frat,
Jack proved he was cool,
His final duty was
to become a drunken fool.

Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub,
Spanking each other with glee.
A passerby said, while scratching his head,
“That’s not allowed here in the Army!”

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She fed them some soup, without any bread,
And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.
She was subsequently convicted
of numerous counts of physical abuse,
“The voices in my head told me to do it!” was her only excuse.
The Judge asked if the charges against her were true,
She replied “It’s not easy living in a goddamn shoe!”

Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean.
So between the two of them,
they licked the platter clean.
After their meal, on their way back,
He died of malnutrition,
she had a heart-attack.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, he called for his bowl,
And for his pot, his ounces three.

There once was a girl, who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her head.
She had unsafe sex,
with some guy named Rex,
Got AIDS and soon after was dead.