Ask Biff

A MALE perspective on everyday problems. Biff is not a licensed psychologist, but he is a charter member of Kappa Epsilon Gamma fraternity.

Dear Biff,
The other day I walked in on my son masturbating in his bedroom. I don’t know what to do, should I bring it up and talk about it with him, or forget it ever happened? Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused,
What was he reading when you found him spanking his monkey? Because here at the house we have a copy of last year’s Girls of the PAC-10 Playboy, and let me tell you, it is excellent whacking material. Dude, you should recommend it to your son.

Dear Biff,
I am a 17 year old guy. I have always liked girls, but now I am starting to kind of have an attraction to my best friend, who is male. Is this normal? Does this mean I’m gay? In Need in New Jersey

Dear in Need,
Dude, all it means is that you better not rush my frat when you graduate high school. Fuckin’ freak.

Dear Biff,
I am sleeping with this guy, but there’s another guy that I kind of like, and at a party last week we kind of got together. Now I am trapped between the two. I am so confused. What can I do? If I tell one, the other’s going to get so mad at me. Help! Desperate in Des Moines

Dear Desperate,
So are you a hottie? Sounds like it. I don’t really see your problem. So, you’re doinking two guys. What the fuck’s the problem with that? I say the more muffin, the merrier, right guys? (sounds of high fives in background) So anyway, give me a call if you’re ever in Berkeley, and maybe we can hook up, okay? Cool.