Following the capture and military-style execution of a vagrant found showering in a Harvard University dormitory, dormitory bathrooms are now key-locked and require thumb and voice print verification for entry. Asked about the excessive costs necessary to install such a … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Ode to Stanfurd
There once was a student
Who went to ‘The Farm,’
A grievous decision
That caused him great harm.
In high school, you see,
This student was fine
‘Till goin to Stanford
Verschnickered his mind.
The first day of school
He … Read More
Why Is That Guy Licking His Shoulder?
Berkeley has a well deserved reputation for being a city of lunatics. Hell, Telegraph is one of the only streets in the world where you can see two naked women performing an impromptu didgeridoo concert. While I’ll admit that there … Read More
Top Eleven Sapphic Star Wars Characters
- The E-Twats
- R2-Queef-U
- That damn sand thing
- Chew-box-a
- G-Spot 3-PO
- Vulva Fett
- Princess Labia
- Lando Clitorissian
- Darth Vagina
- Jabba the Cunt
- Grand Muff Tarkin
Top Ten Things a Girl Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex
Top Ten Better Jobs for the Mic Man
- Mine Sweeper
- Suicide Hotline operator
- Cheerleader’s bitch
- Mime
- Square Dance Caller
- Tele-Bears Operator
- Writer for <I>Daily Cal_
- Motivational Preacher
- Math Professor
- Sproul Preacher
Top Ten Things a Guy Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex
- “I gotta take the biggest shit right now.”
- “Do I pay you or the sorority?”
- “Yoshuaaaaa!”
- “Are those real?”
- “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”
- “Take off that red shirt!!!”
- “How do you define open
Top Ten New Target Groups For Affirmative Action
- Hookers
- Thundercats
- Hanson
- Saved by fhe Bell cast members
- John Tesh
- Drug-crazed Nazis
- Angry white males
- Orphaned princes
- Rapists
- Paparazzi
Top Ten Ways to Piss Off a Telegraph Punk
- Offer him a job.
- Kick his dog in the face again.
- Give him a fat wad of old Mexican pesos.
- Make looking like a freak trendy.
- Rip out the safety pin from his nose and say,”not so safe, was it?”
Top Ten Surprises Chancellor Berdahi Brought From Texas
-
Lunatic with big ears wants to be ASUC President.
-
“Homeless” replaced with “varmints.”
- New ropin’ team.
- Doe lawn now Doe beef ranch.
- New “Crispy Hair Studies” department.
- Sproul preachers make excellent rodeo announcers.
- The Pinto on blocks in front of
