If you’ve never seen the tower on Carleton and Shattuck, then you might as well skip this little article. If you have seen this little monstrosity, then you have witnessed the city of Berkeley’s greatest mystery. Greater than Dwindle. Greater … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
New Mammmy for Sig-Phi-Ep
In order to shape up their image after recent hazing accusations, the fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon has hired a new house mother. Our sources have reported that the new house mother plans on revamping the entire fraternity through the practice … Read More
Astronomers Prove Expansion
Several members of the Berkeley astronomy department released compelling evidence that Freshman Denise Watkins is expanding at an ever-increasing rate. “The latest red shift data clearly shows that Denise has exceeded what we like to call the ‘Freshman 15′ threshold,” … Read More
A Final Word from the Top
Amidst a hundred candidates, waving their large placards and thrusting sheets of meaningless paper into the unwilling hands of the students of this campus, there stood a dedicated bunch. Parking themselves 30 or 40 feet in front of Sather Gate, … Read More
Lemmon Goes Sour
Actor Jack Lemmon was arrested last week for allegedly hiring a prostitute, a 64-year old man known only as “Frank”. In a statement he prepared from his cell, Lemmon said his recent separation from longtime co-star ‘ Walter Mathau left … Read More
Short Conversations
“Have you seen ‘Titanic’?”
“Every day in the shower, baby.”
“I don’t like toast.”
“What do you mean, you don’t like toast? What are you. a communist?”
“What class is your midterm in?”
“Ummm….”
“How was last night?”
“I touched … Read More
Squelchboy Interview: Jesus Christ
A rare chance to gain insight into the mind of a diety, the Lord expounds on the Easter Bunny, the Pope and gerbils
Three days after his crucifixion on April 10, 0033, Jesus H. Christ rose to heaven, making himself into an instant celebrity and the inspiration for several cult followings. It is a lesser known fact that after this untimely departure, Jesus … Read More
That Darn Gato
A beginner’s guide to award-winning gringo cats
With Cinco de Mayo rapidly approaching, elderly individuals across the nation are feverishly gearing their favorite kitties up for the big fiesta. However, every year these senseless, crackpot old-timers tend to go a little overboard with their kitty garnishings, each … Read More
Top Eleven Results of New Admissions Standards
- More people that listen to rap music, less people that can understand it.
- “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua replaced by “Yo Quiero Apple Pie” Labrador.
- Influx of tornadoes, trailer parks appear on Memorial Glade.
- Native American Studies becomes “Injun Studies.”
Top Ten Rejected Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Christopher Reeve
- Internet porn
- Angst
- You, Barry Kurtz, you
- Smurfette
- My Little Pony
- Molly Hooper
- Gonorrhea
- Posh Spice
- Kathie Lee Gifford
