No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.… Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
SPORTS DESK: You Suck at Beer Pong
Since moving into your fraternity house in late August, you have spent every other night playing beer pong. Unfortunately, due to various factors, including your alleged summer-long abstinence from alcohol, your tolerance for Natty Ice has largely deteriorated. Coupled with … Read More
A Cult of Your Very Own!
In these uncertain times, when the world is changing too rapidly to keep track of and society seems just one more Hulk Hogan-themed reality show away from collapsing into utter chaos, many people will look anywhere for stability and … Read More
The Carnie Life
Every now and then I find myself thinking, “Max, what if carnies were real people? Where would they go? What would they do?” As it turns out, this summer I had the distinct displeasure of working at the Santa Cruz … Read More
Cosmo-Whore’s Whor-o-Scopes
Aries (3/21-4/20)
Single? Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county.
Hooking? _ _Remember to … Read More
Kenya Elects “Power Thirst” New President
KENYA—After months of political unrest and violence due to the contested re-election of incumbent President Mwai Kibaki in the 2008 race against Raila Odinga, the people of Kenya have elected popular College Humor video “Power Thirst” as their president. Though … Read More
Pokemon: Morally Grey
For all you trainers who have conquered Pokémon: Emerald Green _and _Pokémon: Ruby Red, a brand new challenge has arrived: Pokémon: Morally Grey ! Journey to where no Pokémon trainer has ventured before: the world of underground dog fighting!… Read More
80s Retro Fans Funnel Arms to Al-Qaeda
Like many young people these days, John Farndale, 16, loves the culture of the 1980s. But he and his friends have found a new way to express their nostalgia: selling weapons to violent, fundamentalist Islamic militias. “The ‘80s were just … Read More
Congratulations! You’ve just had sex with me.
Annnnnnd there.
Wow. I…was…amazing. Did you see me? I was like the champagne of sex-having. I got all up in there. I built a house in there. I joined the PTA in there. That is my home. Your snatch is … Read More
MTV Cribs For Pregnant Women
(Camera pans stylishly over the façade of a modest two-bedroom house in suburbia. Cue theme music, which is either Kanye West’s “Stronger” or Kanye West’s “Stronger (Remix).” The door opens to reveal a pregnant woman wearing a loose-fitting T-shirt … Read More
