- “I’m sorry, could you say again? It’s very difficult to concen-trate
while I’m busy not watching
my bags.” - “Have yours, motherfucker?”
- “You’re just an unathletic Filipino
working for minimum wage – are you gonna do about it?” - “I’m not smuggling
Author Archives: The Squelch
I know Eric Gamonal
Have you met Eric Gamonal? He holds no office yet most senators like him. He dates few women but many find him irresistible. Friends he has many, as well as an ever-expanding pool of acquaintances. Often times I think of … Read More
Great Moments in Napster History
Mid-19th century: Cherokee Indians exchange war songs through intricate system of smoke signals. Shut down when Sitting Bull sues, demanding $100 and a buffalo pelvis for each of his songs traded in that manner.
1874: Karl Marx’s General Theory on … Read More
Why does Nobody Ever Want to Watch the Video of Me Beating Rush’n Attack?
Growing up in Sweden, I realised a great many things about a great many people, including myself. I learned that no matter how tough you think you are, people can always hurt your feelings. For example, although I carry Mark … Read More
#2 Pencil Not Included
As part of its program to review and rate all of UC Berkeley’s offered courses so that nobody in the Greek System accidentally gets an education, the ASUC announced last week that it will be providing excerpts from the final … Read More
Man Not Comforted by Assurance That “There are Always Other Ayatollahs”
Life isn’t as it used to be for 28-year old Adam Scroggy, who used to get his kicks conference calling two numbers and then staying quiet. Here is a transcript from his glory-days, ten years ago:
Ring, ring [phone rings]… Read More
Chinese Publishing Firm Releases The Tao of Tao
“It’s a fuckin’ religion, people. Remember?”
In the wake of the success in the West of several popular-culture books based on the ancient Chinese religion called “Taoism,” such as The Tao of Physics, The Tao of Symbols, and The Tao of Peace, and such light-hearted musings … Read More
Southside Resident “Probably” Assaulted
A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated … Read More
Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design
Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, … Read More
Top Ten Things With Which to Poke Out Your Eye
- An eye-poker-outer
- The concept of poking out your eye
- Malaise
- Mrs. Roper
- Your other eye
- Contact lens
- Heimlich maneuver by Mr. T
- Circle jerk gone horribly awry
- Lauren Bausch’s breasts
- Red Rider BB gun
