Christmas
Billy Rand: Hooray! It’s Christmas!
Ayn Rand: Merry Christmas, Billy. It is time for you to unwrap your gifts.
Billy: Oh boy! [rips open present] Wh-what is this?
Ayn: It is a job application. Participation in the … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
So You’re Going to Hell
Lead a life of debauchery? Sinned against nature? Rejected the legitimacy of your one/multiple true God/gods? Use this handy reference to see just what you ought to expect.
Catholicism
What Your Hell is Like: Not as grandiose or visually … Read More
Movie Bombs Without Critical Cereal-Box Advertising
Wacky, Sass-Talking Animals, the latest computer-animated children’s film about wacky, sass-talking animals, was a big disappointment at the box office, and the studio knows exactly what went wrong: a lack of advertisements on cereal boxes.
“It was … Read More
Student Groups: A Field Guide
Congratulations on missing the deadline for private school applications! Welcome to Cal!
Remember how in high school you had to put up with a lot of bullshit extracurricular activities and student groups? Remember how everyone in high school said … Read More
Google Researches New Ways to Invade Privacy
No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.… Read More
Rumspringa
During the period known as “Rumspringa,” Amish youth are permitted to leave their insular communities and explore the world of the modern American teenager. Most return to be baptized, but a slim minority chooses to stay in the high-fat, high-octane … Read More
A Cult of Your Very Own!
In these uncertain times, when the world is changing too rapidly to keep track of and society seems just one more Hulk Hogan-themed reality show away from collapsing into utter chaos, many people will look anywhere for stability and … Read More
SPORTS DESK: You Suck at Beer Pong
Since moving into your fraternity house in late August, you have spent every other night playing beer pong. Unfortunately, due to various factors, including your alleged summer-long abstinence from alcohol, your tolerance for Natty Ice has largely deteriorated. Coupled with … Read More
Words From the Top
18 Candles
There comes a time in every man’s life when he reaches a sacred right of passage, and the lessons he has learned congeal into a thick grease of responsibility and maturity. Before that, though, he turns 18 and goes to … Read More
Gotham City Inexplicably Approves Clown-Themed Nightclub
In a move described by commentators as “moronic” and “unbelievably short-sighted”, the Gotham City Zoning Board yesterday approved plans for “Punchinello”, a new nightclub with an incredibly ill-conceived clown motif. Construction is to begin next month, defying the very … Read More
