Once the capital of the greatest empire in the world, London might be considered the depressed has-been of the world’s great cities. But people there do speak English, and phone booths are filled with pornographic call-girl advertising. Besides, where else … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
O-Chem: <i>Erotica </i>
I’ve had enough of all this war-mongering scientific rhetoric. After countless science lectures, I now see the blatant attempts to mask the eroticism inherently existing on the micro scale. Rather than expose our minds to the naked truth of molecules … Read More
A World Where All Men Are Named Sean Keane
SCENE 1 JUNIOR HIGH CAFETERIA
Cindy: OK, now you have to tell me who you like.
Laura: Well, you know that guy in our history class GAA Sean Keane?
Cindy: Eeew GAA Sean Keane?
Laura: No, not Sean Keane. … Read More
The Duck Hunt Conundrum
Optical Reflection/Refraction
In an effort to restore peace and stop world hunger, Squelch researchers have rigorously tested the original Nintendo Duck Hunt Gun. We hope our research will give us a better understanding of its mystical powers. To those unfamiliar with the … Read More
Och, Me Head!
Ye’d ne’er believe how very mooch it hurts te slam yer delicate doock head inte a solid sea o’ gold coins. More’n a wee bit, Ah kin tell ye that mooch. Ah’m in an ache from spatz te noggin. Moother … Read More
Top Ten Least Effective Ways To Raise A Child
- Break his feet and leave him in the mountains
- The pull-out method
- By the ears
- In a loving, caring household that murders children
- With lies and manipulation
- Crop rotation
- Send 40¢ a month
- Vegan
- In a pack of wild wolves
Top Ten Board Games For Lazy Kids
- Pin the Tail on the Nearest Object
- Homeopathic Remedy
- Yaht-z-z-z
- Chutes & Escalators
- Sorry! (That’s Okay!)
- Oligopoly
- Really Obvious Clue
- Satiated, Content Hippos
- -A-Cero!
- Connect Two
Top Ten Child Nicknames for a Rabbit
- Fucking disease ridden monsters that eat their fucking babies, FUCK!
- Furry burry bunny bunny
- Jumpy lucky bunny
- Wabbity wabbit
- Funny bunny
- Cutie bunny
- Bunny wabbit
- Fuzzy bunny
- Bunny bunny
- Bunny
Top Ten Things Found On The Ocean Floor
- Every ship ever captained by a woman
- Wallet-sized photos of Russian sweethearts
- Gadgets and gizmos aplenty
- Pyroxene-olivine basalt
- Shore-to-shore carpeting
- Whales <STRIKE>fucking</STRIKE> making love
- Geodesic domes with sustainable breathing environment
- 4 million Razor scooters (10 years from now)
- Childern’s letters
Top Ten Inner-City Software Products
- Real Playa
- Oregon Trail for the Apple IIe
- Microsoft Word Up
- Lowered Netscape Navigator with Chrome Rims and 12” Lift
- Microsoft Out – Look – Out Datrell It’s tha Po-Po
- Corel Werd Perfikt
- Etch-a-Sketch
- Macromedia Dreams – ruined – by
