Recently, some people have complained about the political content, or lack thereof, in our fine humor magazine. “Hey The Heuristic Squelch,” they write, “why so little election coverage?” The simple answer is that we just don’t care very much. … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Getting Acquainted with London
A Traveller’s Guide
Once the capital of the greatest empire in the world, London might be considered the depressed has-been of the world’s great cities. But people there do speak English, and phone booths are filled with pornographic call-girl advertising. Besides, where else … Read More
O-Chem: <i>Erotica </i>
I’ve had enough of all this war-mongering scientific rhetoric. After countless science lectures, I now see the blatant attempts to mask the eroticism inherently existing on the micro scale. Rather than expose our minds to the naked truth of molecules … Read More
A World Where All Men Are Named Sean Keane
SCENE 1 JUNIOR HIGH CAFETERIA
Cindy: OK, now you have to tell me who you like.
Laura: Well, you know that guy in our history class GAA Sean Keane?
Cindy: Eeew GAA Sean Keane?
Laura: No, not Sean Keane. … Read More
The Duck Hunt Conundrum
Optical Reflection/Refraction
In an effort to restore peace and stop world hunger, Squelch researchers have rigorously tested the original Nintendo Duck Hunt Gun. We hope our research will give us a better understanding of its mystical powers. To those unfamiliar with the … Read More
Och, Me Head!
Ye’d ne’er believe how very mooch it hurts te slam yer delicate doock head inte a solid sea o’ gold coins. More’n a wee bit, Ah kin tell ye that mooch. Ah’m in an ache from spatz te noggin. Moother … Read More
Top Ten Least Effective Ways To Raise A Child
- Break his feet and leave him in the mountains
- The pull-out method
- By the ears
- In a loving, caring household that murders children
- With lies and manipulation
- Crop rotation
- Send 40¢ a month
- Vegan
- In a pack of wild wolves
Top Ten Inner-City Software Products
- Real Playa
- Oregon Trail for the Apple IIe
- Microsoft Word Up
- Lowered Netscape Navigator with Chrome Rims and 12” Lift
- Microsoft Out – Look – Out Datrell It’s tha Po-Po
- Corel Werd Perfikt
- Etch-a-Sketch
- Macromedia Dreams – ruined – by
Top Ten Child Nicknames for a Rabbit
- Fucking disease ridden monsters that eat their fucking babies, FUCK!
- Furry burry bunny bunny
- Jumpy lucky bunny
- Wabbity wabbit
- Funny bunny
- Cutie bunny
- Bunny wabbit
- Fuzzy bunny
- Bunny bunny
- Bunny
Top Ten Things Found On The Ocean Floor
- Every ship ever captained by a woman
- Wallet-sized photos of Russian sweethearts
- Gadgets and gizmos aplenty
- Pyroxene-olivine basalt
- Shore-to-shore carpeting
- Whales <STRIKE>fucking</STRIKE> making love
- Geodesic domes with sustainable breathing environment
- 4 million Razor scooters (10 years from now)
- Childern’s letters
