Janeane from Carson City, NV asks, “So how is your column different from the many other advice columns out there?”
Well, Janeane, for starters, I think outside the box. I’m a no nonsense go-getter, so don’t expect me to sweet … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Fraternities Return to Campus to “Help Men Become Better Date-Rapists”
After an absence of nearly seven years, the UC Berkeley chapter of the Delta Chi fraternity will return to campus in the fall of 2001 to teach male university students the intricate strategies behind succesful date rape.
Delta Chi was … Read More
Hey Moron!
Dude, he’s reading this. What a moron.
You answered to moron, moron. Ha! Just kidding, man. Geez, it’s okay. I’m just messing with you.
Hey, fag.
You still here?… Read More
Berkeley Fables Par Excellence
The Man And The Lion At Strada
A man and a lion had been friends for a long time. One day, while they were relaxing at Cafe Strada, the man confessed he was envious of his friend. “Lion,” he said, … Read More
Words from the Top
Medium, but Rare
No matter what your parents and coaches tell you, competitive sports are not about having fun; they’re about winning. So, what’s really important is who’s the best, not who’s the most entertained.
When I played soccer as a little kid, … Read More
Top Ten Items Found in a Prison Gift Basket
- Jar of sunshine
- Ring of keys, but not those keys
- Two consecutive lifetime supplies of chocolate
- Funyuns
- Chip to wear on your shoulder when you get out
- License plate starter kit
- Cake w/ emory board
- DVD of “Dead Man Walking”
Top Ten Things To Pan
- Top Ten Things To
- Frederick Cho
- Ja
- Oramic camera
- Cho villa
- Fried Chicken
- Teflon
- Da
- Peter
- Gold nuggets
Dear Doris McNulty
I’m Sorry…
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS 1ST FORCE SERVICE SUPPORT GROUP, MARFORPAC BOX 555606 CAMP PENDLETON, CALIFORNIA 92055-5606
November 12, 2000
Dear Doris McNulty,
I would like to sincerely apologize for my despicable behavior October 13th, 1999 on the Price is Right … Read More
Guy Writes Newsflash
Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Heartbreaker Gets Pacemaker
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
