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Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Things A Hyperintelligent Cat Would Do If He Got His Paws On An Old Vinyl Record
- Try in vain to do anything whatsoever, batting it hopelessly with his tiny paws, while his patronizing human masters fawn over him.
- Sell it; buy tuna fish with profits
- Break it in half, because he knows karate
- Poop on it
Man On Fremont Bound Train Actually Going To Fremont
Passengers travelling on the Fremont-bound BART with Bay Area resident Solomon Duvall became distressed and distraught as it began to appear as though Duvall was actually going to Fremont, the last station on the Richmond-Fremont line.
Fellow passenger Kevin Standish … Read More
Ironic Decor Held For Questioning After Thwarted Wooing
College student and loving older brother Teddy Hubbard had yet another would-be casual seduction unravelled last night by interloping personal possessions furnished as gifts by his ironically minded little sister.
Hubbard had half-strolled, half-stumbled into his apartment with a beautiful … Read More
de-cal Spring 2001
Schedule of classes
Sociology 98: How Many People Can I Get to Show Up For My de-Cal Class with an Enticing Course Description?
This class is offered for 7 units. Satisfies the American Cultures requirement. Free beer. Exotic dancers. And up to $20-200 … Read More
Meat & Greet
Behavioral scientist B. F. Skinner once wrote, “Human conversations are as varied as stars in the night sky, and no less infinite in their possibility.” Malarkey, says I. When the pretense has been stripped away, there are but three basic … Read More
Ask Saundra Firth
Better Living through My Vagina
Janeane from Carson City, NV asks, “So how is your column different from the many other advice columns out there?”
Well, Janeane, for starters, I think outside the box. I’m a no nonsense go-getter, so don’t expect me to sweet … Read More
Fraternities Return to Campus to “Help Men Become Better Date-Rapists”
After an absence of nearly seven years, the UC Berkeley chapter of the Delta Chi fraternity will return to campus in the fall of 2001 to teach male university students the intricate strategies behind succesful date rape.
Delta Chi was … Read More
Hey Moron!
Dude, he’s reading this. What a moron.
You answered to moron, moron. Ha! Just kidding, man. Geez, it’s okay. I’m just messing with you.
Hey, fag.
You still here?… Read More
Berkeley Fables Par Excellence
The Man And The Lion At Strada
A man and a lion had been friends for a long time. One day, while they were relaxing at Cafe Strada, the man confessed he was envious of his friend. “Lion,” he said, … Read More
