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Be a daughter born in China
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Turn self into pixel
- Appear on cover of Asianweek
- Ask out and be rejected by Anne Cooper, this girl in my co-op
- Give the best speech of your life; realize you’re mute
- Realize you
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Ways to Organize a Group Hug
- Misinterpret the huddle
- Poison people, tell them only antidote is hugging
- Spend $300,000 on One Campus initiative
- Alphabetically
- Join a sorority
- eVite
- Flail arms on crowded BART train
- Cast Robin Williams
- Get drunk and break down in front of your
Top Ten Worst Things to Hear During Sex
- “Yeah, this is pretty good. I guess.”
- “Perforated condoms really let my dick breathe.”
- “Not only am I underage, I’m also a cop.”
- “It’s okay, I can’t get pregnant; I’m a man.”
- “They’re both stuck.”
- “It’s stuck.”
- “This is a
Top Ten Emergencies at the Elementary School Health Office
- Poorly funded school system
- A really painful splinter under the thumbnail that no one can help you with because there’s not even really a nurse working in the so-called “health office,” and everyone’s too frightened of lawsuits to pick up
Top Ten Lifetime Original Movies
- The Making of a Lifetime Original Movie: A Lifetime Original Movie
- Some Dumb Movie For Women
- Hold On For One More Day: The Carnie Wilson Story
- So Many Tears
- Estranged Boyfriend Abortion Doctor Rape Incest
- Ex-Husband Killer Stalker Man
- My
Top Ten Wild Animals
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Spring Break Stegosaur
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Rabid Christmas Puppy
- Hoopla-potamus
- Safari Hamster
- Gay Bunny
- Kamikaze Calimari
- Free-Range Chicken
- Wilde-B33$t
- Buckaroo Duck
- Cowboy Bear
Top Ten Poorly Conceived Superhero Duos
- Etch-a-Sketch Man & Mr. Jitters
- Stand-Man & Can’t-Stand- Stand-Man -Man
- Love Man & Friend Girl
- Superman & Lousyman
- BAMN-Man & Bam-Bam
- Daredevil & DareJesus
- Chalkman & White Board
- Riddler & “See Answer on Page 9” Man
- Sharkman & Cap’n Chum
Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting Flyered on Sproul
- Matrix-style slo-mo moves around flyers
- Light self on fire
- Pretend you’re blind
- Be non-Asian / non-Greek material
- Say “No thanks.”
- Walk on your hands
- Hold grenade in one hand, a bomb in other, and say “Sorry, my hands are full.”
Top Ten Alternate Names for Urinal Splashback
- Freaking Miracle (if you’re a girl)
- Urinal Cake’s Sweet Revenge
- More Successful Than Usual
- Porcelain Wrath
- Conservation of Momentum
- Handwashing Justifier
- Priest’s Blessing
- Acid Rain
- Blowback
- Sierra Mist
Top Ten Changes in Post-Taliban Kabul
-
Everything no longer different now
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Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked
- New spring break destination
- Deposed President gets un-hanged
- Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
- Bin Laden posters half-price
- Upswing in Nancy Drew
