Gratify yourself at the kids’ table.
Paint eggs and hide them.
Get a keg and hire the Spin Doctors.
Blow all your money on Quaker prostitutes
Say “You’re welcome.”
Stuff Grandma.
Think about stuff that sucks and how it could … Read More
Go back to the gold standard
American Brides for pennies on the dollar!
Viagra
More blue chips, less buffalo chips
World War III
Destabilize more third-world economies
Get Alan Greenspan laid
Lower everything else
Helicopter
Elevator
… Read More
It’s 6AM, We’re Still Laying Out the Squelch Because the Fucking Computer Crashed and We Ended Up Spending $25 on Adobe Technical Support Talking to Nancy, a Midwest Dyke Who Told Us the Likelihood of Recovering Our File Was Hopeless … Read More
“Can we have donuts at the meetings like the Squelch does? And hookers, too!”
“I’m feeling very representative today.”
“All right, I’m drunk. Let’s get started.”
“I move…my bowels. Oops!”
“Of course they’ll come. We’ve got Kennedy!”
Monkey noises
“I … Read More
You’re not.
Courtney is a cheap water polo whore.
You’re looking for the next insult, Courtney.
It turns you on.
You’re not in the Greek System.
Hooked on phonics worked for you.
The guy who draws “Lemont Brown” has writer’s … Read More
Junkie: Chipmunk with track marks in all his cute wille fuzzy-wuzzy radial artery
Chippy: Chigger with authentic skin-burrowing pincers
Mangy: Half-starved Telegraph black Labrador
Clampy: Lamprey that attaches to other toys and sucks their blood
Breathless: Fetal pig in jar … Read More
The Terrified Croatian
Disco
The Uncontrolled Bladder
The Grand Jury Jive
The Sorority Girl Split
Rhombus Dancing
Hide the Stain
The Dislocated Shoulder
The Gettysburgh
Walk with an Erection
… Read More
Lisa Sucks. I Hate Lisa. Let’s Kill Lisa.
Zach Morris Sucks My Ass
Kelly Kapowski Bangs the Entire Cast of 90210
Slater, Texas Ranger
The Elizabeth Berkeley Full-Frontal Nudity Half Hour
Saved by Yoshua
Saved by “Ctrl+S”
Worthless, Mind-Rotting Crap … Read More
Kick the ball through the invisible goal posts just to the right of the visible ones
Jump, Jive, and Wail
Fuck up Lucy’s shit
Cunnilingus
Pick his nose
Break Dance
Play Starcraft (with his toes!)
Binge drink
Jacks
Racquetball
… Read More
All the benefits of bulimia without staining your teeth.
No need for leeches.
A tapeworm is man’s second best friend.
If you’re Jewish, you can eat pork.
Cheaper than getting reamed.
Tapeworms are recordable, unlike CD worms.
Not as bad … Read More
