Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation … Read More
Tag Archives: Mark Thomas
Wonka Actually Tyrannical Despot
Seeking to both capitalize on renewed interest in its Wonka trademark and respond to the complaints of labor unions and children’s rights groups, Nestle inc. has announced a marketing plan to “reimagine” their factories. Executives hope to involve customers in … Read More
Bullshit
Firemen Are Pussies
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in certain … Read More
Man Gradually Replaced by Better Version of Self
The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly … Read More
Mark Thomas vs. the Internet
Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.
Around the same time the idea of a … Read More
Middle America Continues to Scald Self
Despite repeated warnings from the East and West Coasts, middle America repeatedly grabbed a piping-hot pot of boiling water on the kitchen stove last Thursday.
“Ouch…sizzle…ahhh!” said Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Wyoming, and Texas.
“Ffffft…ooooch!” later added Nebraska, South … Read More
Words from the Top
Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found … Read More
We Are Very Angry
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after … Read More
My Virtual Girl
As I gaze into my Microsoft SPOT watch and listen to my iPod Mini, I now realize that the digitized and specular-lit bump-mapped wheels of technology have spun their blue-LED-laser-guided gears to a new epoch. My virtual girlfriend is now … Read More
Make Your Own Action Movie
The Briefing
Government Official: (gravely) I assume you all know why you’ve been called in here today. We’ve got three hours/seven days to diffuse this atomic/biological warhead planted by the notorious global corporation/ syndicate globotron/corp. I know you’re all just … Read More
