Jessica Marzan, age 4 1/2, had lost her Mommy, a Walnut Creek Nordstrom’s PA system reported last week. Marzan had spent nearly three minutes following the blue-jeans-clad legs of a woman who she presumed to be her mother. It was … Read More
Tag Archives: Kenny Byerly
Crime Over Time
Caveman Times
Popular crimes in Caveman Times generally involved the use of a club and/or the theft of a mate. Punishment for crimes in Caveman Times generally involved the same. One notable exception was Grk’s landmark conviction for patent infringement … Read More
I Can’t Believe You Still Don’t Own a Copy of <i>Shrek</i>
Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home … Read More
Apartment Vaguely Smells Like Gas
Berkeley resident and UC student Gil Hendricks returned last week from winter break to his apartment which, for unknown reasons, sort of smells vaguely like gas.
“I don’t know. Do you smell that?” Hendricks asked companions as he wandered through … Read More
Cosplayer Loosely Resembles Anime Character
Leslie Carpenter, or Carpento-chan, as she is known among friends and online acquaintances, appreared at Santa Clara’s Fanime-Con “Der Cosplay” Masquerade event bearing a striking near-resemblance to the character Ayanami Rei from the popular Japanese anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And … Read More
Amazon.com Wanted for Anthrax Mailing
Internet retail giant Amazon.com is wanted for questioning regarding the shipping of Anthrax through the mail, the FBI reported. Suspicions first arose last week when New York resident Tim Duggins was heard softly singing the lyrics to the thrash metal … Read More
Sketch Comedy
Man: Excuse me sir? [He is ignored.]
Man: Excuse me? Sir? Sir?
John Cleese: AAAGH!
Man: AGH!
John Cleese: Right, right. What can I do for you then?
Man: Yes, well, I was wondering if I could buy a box … Read More
To: sex@dailycal.org
Dear Rachael Klein,
First off, kudos for returning Sex on Tuesday to its former dirty self, a column which at its best makes you feel like you should shower after reading it, and even on an off day still makes you want to … Read More
Insignificant Life Now Self-Consciously Insignificant
Student Kevin Petit, 22, had always led a shallow, empty life devoid of any true pleasures, notable accomplishments, spiritually fulfilling experiences, or emotionally meaningful interpersonal relationships. Since September 11, however, the crushing emptiness of Petit’s life has become more painfully … Read More
Haunt You Up Good
Ghoul-reetings, ladies and ghoul-tlemen! Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’d like to get in on that haunted house action this Halloween, but how?” Just follow these three simple steps.
Step 1:
To fashion a truly spook-tacular haunted house, one must first choose … Read More
