Yes, I know all about the Squelch’s history, the people who made it the journalistic monument it is today, all that crap. I used to be Editor-in-Chief. I was somebody then. I thought I would be somebody forever. But now … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Dysfunctional Bay Area Driving Really Pisses Me Off
I was driving up Interstate 280 last week with a couple of friends, coming back from a somewhat refreshing camping trip. It was one of those brisk, after-the-rain sort of days when the breeze is cool and crisp and the … Read More
Letter from the Editors
Nobody ever really reads this anyway. But once again, we’re close to deadline and we have a shitload of space to fill, so I sit here now. I quote Thoreau, who once said “Life is just a great big tree,” … Read More
Two types of people
The world is divided into two types of people. We know this to be true. That’s why every Presidential election always comes down to a race between two candidates, except in cases where some cosmic force causes a small gnome … Read More
Best of Squelch Classifieds
Hairy feminist seeks same. Send photo of legs to Gretta Box 14.
Freshman rushee needs retro-hip Elvis attire to appear ironic to frat brothers. Ernie, KA
Agoraphobic, asexual transvestite seeks non-smoking trapeze artist for swinging good time. Call Freddy, 222-1748.… Read More
The Truth About…Income Tax
You may have never even thought twice about it, but the primary purpose of your federal income tax return is not to help the government make sure your have paid the correct amount of taxes for the year, but actually … Read More
Rob a Bank for the Regents
Stress invades the undergraduate life. Classes coalesce into a festering, many-tentacled ball of hate. School becomes a deceptively cute dog that bites you on the ass every time you turn your back. Where does it start? What influence from below … Read More
My Trip To Peir 39
Last weekend my dad came up to visit me from L.A. He brought a new friend with him. Her name was Bubbles. I asked Dad where Mom was. He said, “She’s probably out turning tricks.” I thought that was strange, … Read More
The Squelch Exists
An Editor’s Introduction
Imagine, if you can, a vast mountain of pudding running after you when suddenly your shoelaces turn into a loud rap musician who can’t find anything to rhyme with “syphilis” and who keeps trying to return your pants to the … Read More
Democracy for Beginners
We need your help! Because we were too busy ingratiating ourselves to potential advertisers, we haven’t had time to come up with a motto for The Heuristic Squelch masthead.
The motto of a paper is very important to the success … Read More
