Roberto Lewis found the following written in blood on a dirty bedsheet when he moved into his dorm room this semester. The previous occupant apparently had left it behind. I hate my roommate. I relate the following so that one … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
April Fool’s Day Antics
Sure, it may still be March, but April is just around the corner. So what does this mean? April showers that bring May flowers? Time to pay your taxes? One month until finals? Pink Floyd concerts? All very good answers, … Read More
A User’s Guide to Zen
Constructive nihilism
destroying things in a good cause
karma
what goes around, comes around
atheism
eternal damnation
original sin
your parents screwed around, so you’re screwed up
predestination
damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so go get drunk … Read More
Voice of the Squelch Past:
The Founding Father Speaks
Yes, I know all about the Squelch’s history, the people who made it the journalistic monument it is today, all that crap. I used to be Editor-in-Chief. I was somebody then. I thought I would be somebody forever. But now … Read More
Dysfunctional Bay Area Driving Really Pisses Me Off
I was driving up Interstate 280 last week with a couple of friends, coming back from a somewhat refreshing camping trip. It was one of those brisk, after-the-rain sort of days when the breeze is cool and crisp and the … Read More
Letter from the Editors
Nobody ever really reads this anyway. But once again, we’re close to deadline and we have a shitload of space to fill, so I sit here now. I quote Thoreau, who once said “Life is just a great big tree,” … Read More
Two types of people
The world is divided into two types of people. We know this to be true. That’s why every Presidential election always comes down to a race between two candidates, except in cases where some cosmic force causes a small gnome … Read More
My Trip To Peir 39
Last weekend my dad came up to visit me from L.A. He brought a new friend with him. Her name was Bubbles. I asked Dad where Mom was. He said, “She’s probably out turning tricks.” I thought that was strange, … Read More
The Squelch Exists
An Editor’s Introduction
Imagine, if you can, a vast mountain of pudding running after you when suddenly your shoelaces turn into a loud rap musician who can’t find anything to rhyme with “syphilis” and who keeps trying to return your pants to the … Read More
Democracy for Beginners
We need your help! Because we were too busy ingratiating ourselves to potential advertisers, we haven’t had time to come up with a motto for The Heuristic Squelch masthead.
The motto of a paper is very important to the success … Read More
