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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Reasons You’re Reading This

November 1, 1998
  1. You’re not.
  2. Courtney is a cheap water polo whore.
  3. You’re looking for the next insult, Courtney.
  4. It turns you on.
  5. You’re not in the Greek System.
  6. Hooked on phonics worked for you.
  7. The guy who draws “Lemont Brown” has writer’s block again.
  8. The guy who draws “Lemont Brown” has writer’s block again.
  9. If you stop reading we’ll come after you.
  10. . You’re caught in a space-time warp.
  11. Courtney is a cheap water polo whore.
  12. You’re not.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Failed New Fall Variety Shows

November 1, 1998
  1. Regis and Kenny G
  2. Good Morning Canada
  3. World’s Scariest Julia Herriges Columns
  4. Make Me Cry
  5. Viva Monotony
  6. This Week in Nosepicking
  7. America’s Most Horrific Beaver Disembowelments
  8. Win Ben Stein’s Stash
  9. When Ducks Attack
  10. That’s Impossible!
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Thanksgiving

November 1, 1998
  1. Gratify yourself at the kids’ table.
  2. Paint eggs and hide them.
  3. Get a keg and hire the Spin Doctors.
  4. Blow all your money on Quaker prostitutes
  5. Say “You’re welcome.”
  6. Stuff Grandma.
  7. Think about stuff that sucks and how it could be better.
  8. Fist a “Pumpkin”.
  9. Stuff the turkey.
  10. Kill some Injuns.
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Surprise Beanie-Baby Releases for Christmas ’98

November 1, 1998
  1. Junkie: Chipmunk with track marks in all his cute wille fuzzy-wuzzy radial artery
  2. Chippy: Chigger with authentic skin-burrowing pincers
  3. Mangy: Half-starved Telegraph black Labrador
  4. Clampy: Lamprey that attaches to other toys and sucks their blood
  5. Breathless: Fetal pig in jar of formaldehyde
  6. Roly-Poly: Dungbeetle with scratch- n-sniff poo balls
  7. Ignatius: Iguana with anatomically correct bifurcated penis
  8. Hipster: Hippo with baby swallowing jaw-clamp action
  9. Trippy: The tri-testicular tarantula
  10. Baby Rattle: Rattlesnake with super bite action and real working venom
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten ASUC-Inspired Stage Productions

November 1, 1998
  1. Corruptus Cristi
  2. Who’s Afraid of Molly Hooper?
  3. Twelfth Night of Yelling at Each Other and Accomplishing Nothing
  4. Gross Inactivity
  5. Rats
  6. How I Failed at Everything Without Really Trying
  7. Death of a Spitfire
  8. Jesus Christ, Megalomaniac
  9. Irami on the Roof
  10. Waiting for Impeachment
Volume 8- Issue 3

Top Ten Failed New Fall Sitcoms

November 1, 1998
  1. Frasier
  2. The C+ Team
  3. OJ’s House
  4. Molested by an Angel
  5. Me and My Syphilitic Uncle
  6. The Good Samaritans
  7. The Corey and Corey Show
  8. The Corey Haim Show
  9. The Corey Feldman Show
  10. Three Washed-Up Actors and a Child Star