Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Ways to Tell You Spent Too Much Money

May 1, 2001
  1. You saw the stereo you just bought for $399 at Best Buy for $329.
  2. There are two friends in your apartment, and enough alcohol for fifty
  3. You’re eating Super-Sized fries.
  4. You’re old and white, but your wife doesn’t look old…she may be white
  5. You’re naked, your car is gone, and the bitch that gave you blue balls is driving it
  6. You’re holding a degree from Stanford
  7. It’s got a spoiler, a subwoofer, and chromed hubcaps, but it’s still just a Honda.
  8. Your triple bypass bill gave you a heart attack
  9. You’re driving an 18-wheeler loaded with vanilla pudding
  10. Your front teeth are gold plated and people now call you B-Dog
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Pornographic Landmarks

May 1, 2001
  1. Naked Statue of Liberty
  2. Girl’d Trade Center
  3. Grand Canyon
  4. Great Lakes of Female Ejaculate
  5. Washington Monument
  6. Viagra Falls (I’m sorry…)
  7. Golden Showers Gate Bridge
  8. Space Needle Dick
  9. Great Barrier Beef
  10. The Lube
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Benefits of Buying a College Yearbook

May 1, 2001
  1. Draw mustaches on professors without hurting your grade
  2. Have record of Tuesday Night Drinking Club (TNDC) for posterity
  3. Weighty tome keeps coffee table from blowing away
  4. After college, you can ask pictures “So what’s your major?” and receive answers from captions
  5. You can check off girl(s) you’ve dated
  6. College-level sappy writing instead of high-school-level sappy writing
  7. Your freshman, sophomore, and junior years weren’t that good anyway
  8. Something to sign at reunion, if you’ve received it by then
  9. Suede-like velveteen cover (1998 edition only)
  10. No longer need to leave your house to look at people you don’t know
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Inappropriate Memorials

May 1, 2001
  1. Mark Paul Gosselar eternal monologue to camera
  2. A giant trophy case for Tom Holmoe after we kill him
  3. Vietnam War Boring Wall of Names
  4. Ethnic studies eternal cop car flame
  5. Quake III Klebold/Harris Edition
  6. The Airwolf Sanctuary
  7. Washington Monument
  8. Religion based on cross symbolic for Christ
  9. Steve Allen Marble Pillar of Comedy
  10. Any and all grief surrounding Jerry Garcia
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Ways to Act Like You’re Working in a Pizza Factory

May 1, 2001
  1. Keep one Netscape browser window open to Pizza.org while writing personal emails
  2. Lie down in giant vat of pizza sauce and make pizza angels
  3. Order pizza!
  4. Repeat in loud voice, “I sure am making a lot of pizzas!”
  5. Ride around in forklift
  6. Frantically load backed-up pizzas from pizza conveyor belt
  7. Slide giant pizza paddle around in oven, then take out
  8. Turn pizza-making machines on and off
  9. Throw dough in air for no apparent reason
  10. Make pizzas
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Vegetarian Musicals

May 1, 2001
  1. Rentcumber
  2. Jesus Christ Did You Try the Vegetable Dip?
  3. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, to Buy Cabbage
  4. The Sound of Mueslix
  5. Banannie Get Your Gun
  6. Oliver! Oil
  7. Bring in the Soy, Bring in the Funk
  8. The Pine Nuts of Penzance
  9. West Side Salad
  10. Okrahoma
Volume 10- Issue 7

Top Ten Formulaic Top Ten Entries

May 1, 2001
  1. The one about Hoku Jeffrey/Lauren Bausch
  2. The really long, rambling one
  3. The one that references an earlier entry
  4. The one that’s not a joke
  5. The timely reference to campus news
  6. The shamelessly unfunny coding/physics joke
  7. The self-deprecating one
  8. The one that takes the premise literally
  9. The obscure 80’s pop-culture reference
  10. The one about anal sex and/or masturbation