Heuristic Squelch: Welcome, Sex. I’m so glad you could take the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
Sex: Don’t mention it. I always have time to chat with a loyal follower.
HS: Thanks. So tell me, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Important Dates in History
Dating was invented accidentally by Ms. Grefrock Harding in the late 16th Century* as she was washing her father’s codpiece. As the jewel- encrusted accessory became more and more polished, Grefrock began to see her reflection. She was shocked. And … Read More
Wet Shins & Other Sins
Confessions of a Piss Champ
When I was a little kid scampering around the house, exhilarating bolts of urine saturating the crotch of my that-much-darker blue jeans, I’d dream of being the first unified world’s title piss champion. Even though my mom tried to get … Read More
Herb Came column
Caught wind that some of you felt the last issue wasn’t “harsh enough.” Kudos to each and every one of you. All too many times my ideas and expressions get quashed because one or two of the editors can’t stomach … Read More
Raves
Albacore tuna with dolphins has always been a favorite at the Limbaugh household. Granted it doesn’t pack the punch a steriod-enhanced piece of USDA beef does, but my friends, if you want protein and you want to kill those dolphins, … Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Stay in the Dorms Another Year
- “Chunk”
- Lounge couch has sentimental value.
- They say this year’s Freshman crop is the best since ’86.
- Can never outgrow cheap thrills in co-ed bathroom.
- Now your choice of Drug or Drug-free.
- They’re earthquake safe.
- You’re from Bosnia and Unit
Top Ten Reasons to Get Really Fat
- Get your money’s worth at Sizzler.
- Get paid $30 to lose the weight (and eat anything you want!).
- 2 seats for the price of one.
- Free lifetime PriceClub membership.
- Good excuse for small looking penis.
- Earn extra cash working as
Top Ten Events at the Stoner Olympics
- High Jump
- Synchronized Spliffing
- Bowl Vault
- Jamaican Bobsledding
- Bong Water Polo
- Hemptathalon
- Bowling
- 50m Hash
- JAH-velin throw
- Bong Jump
Top Ten Misdemeanors at Engineering Dorm
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Showing good color-coordination in dress choices.
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Programming in BASIC.
- Using a typewriter.
- Using Jove.
- Downloading at 2400.
- Never got past level 8 in D&D.
- Only having one e-mail account.
- Misquoting Star Trek.
- Owning a Mac.
- Dating.
Top Ten Things to do in the Substance-Free-Dorm
- Your RA.
- Pretend you are a narc.
- Call (900) numbers.
- Telekinesis.
- Square dancing.
- Snort Dipsticks and run around on a sugar high.
- Pet-sitting for police drug sniffing dogs.
- Sniffing others’ clothes after they return from Co-op party.
- Virtual kegger.
- Get
