On a recent lonely Saturday night, I found myself watching an episode of CBS’s prime-time action-drama, “Walker: Texas Ranger.” As I watched Chuck Norris use his feet of fury to preserve liberty and justice for white Texans, I was struck … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Daily Cal Columnist Writes Meta-Meta-Column
Daily Cal columnist Jen Price broke new ground recently when she wrote her weekly column about writing about her weekly column. Answering disgruntled letter writers who felt it was cheap and lazy to write columns that simply answered disgruntled letter … Read More
Campus Activists Protest Animal Testing
Members of the campus organization “Viviphagy for Virulence” staged a rally in protest of animal testing in UC Berkeley laboratories last Friday. The group, known for its advocacy of live meat consumption, acted in response to recent revelations of unnecessary … Read More
Short Conversations
“In high school, my teacher got mad; at me for writing a limerick about: Camus’ The Stranger on my desk.”
“Did you shoot her in the face?”
Student: “Mr. Habibi, as former president of Indonesia, how do you see Indonesia’s … Read More
Magnitude 2.1 Earthquake Rocks Bay Area
An earthquake measuring 2.1 on the Richter Scale struck at approximately 2:27 a.m. yesterday morning, causing twenty two Bay Area residents to wake up. Damage was limited to an empty beer bottle falling on its side in the home of … Read More
Chancellor Needs His Space
In a public statement yesterday, UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Berdahl addressed the many controversial issues facing the Berkeley campus, calling for students and the community to “just back off for a while and leave me the hell alone.” Added Berdahl, … Read More
God & Football
I was in my room reading The Enquirer today-yeah, you heard me, wanna make somethin’ of it?-and I came upon a startling article that Mickey Spillane, author of the best-selling Mike Hammer books, is now a Jehovah’s Witness. Apparently, rather … Read More
A Look Back… to the Future
Do you feel left out of the millennium madness? Not quite sure how the world is going to end? Well, I’ve compiled all the prophecies you’ll ever need for the year 2000. (But not for you Jews. You had your … Read More
Top Ten Totalitarian Restaurants
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T.G.I.F. (Thank God It's Fascist)
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Worker Unit Food Distribution 
Vestibule
- Benito Burger
- Che Panisse
- Karl’s Jr.
- Burger Absolute Monarch
- Totalitarian Akbar’s Totalitarian Bar and Grill
- Schlotsky’s East Bloc Russian Restaurant
- Steve’s North Korean BBQ
- Fascist Slice
Top Ten North Vietnamese Pick-up Lines
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"Here's my Gulf of Tonkin resolution: Without the approval
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"I'll show you a Tet offensive, baby." - “Oh, I thought you said ph+A|…”
- “I know something that needs to be airlifted right now…”
- “You want me to beat your American ass?”
