- Shaking hands
- Fully clothed chicks
- Not talking to anyone
- George’s slutty girlfriend
- Getting rejected
- Slightly out-of-shape people
- Rolling in a small pile of ones
- In-store credit
- Drive-thrus
- Masturbation
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- Kurt Vonnegoat
- Woodchuck Pahalniuk
- William S Burrowing Owls
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- Thomas Python
- Emile Zebra
- William Falconer
- Ernest Lemmingway
- David Foster Walrus
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- You’ve been in college for three years and you STILL haven’t been to a frat party
- Emma doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore
- You gave Emma a love letter on her wedding day
- You’ve asked other women out but you
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- You’re easily amused by a list about how you go to UC Berkeley
- There is a big bell tower in the middle of your campus known as the Campanile
- The school newspaper is called the Daily Cal
- Your school is
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- We Bought a Zoo
- A Siberian Tiger Film
- Saola, or the 120 Days of Sodom
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- Outkastration
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- Bill Clinton
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- Hearst So Good
- Haas School of Dirty Dirty Business
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- When you’re not exotic enough for Papyrus
- Toddler obituary
- Quirky high school teacher’s Powerpoint presentation
- Your iCarly spect script
- When Windings just won’t cut it
- Funeral announcement for people you hate
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- Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run
- When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
- When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
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