- Kurt Vonnegoat
- Woodchuck Pahalniuk
- William S Burrowing Owls
- Flannery O’Condor
- Thomas Python
- Emile Zebra
- William Falconer
- Ernest Lemmingway
- David Foster Walrus
- J.R.R. Toucan
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- You’ve been in college for three years and you STILL haven’t been to a frat party
- Emma doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore
- You gave Emma a love letter on her wedding day
- You’ve asked other women out but you
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- Shaking hands
- Fully clothed chicks
- Not talking to anyone
- George’s slutty girlfriend
- Getting rejected
- Slightly out-of-shape people
- Rolling in a small pile of ones
- In-store credit
- Drive-thrus
- Masturbation
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- You’re easily amused by a list about how you go to UC Berkeley
- There is a big bell tower in the middle of your campus known as the Campanile
- The school newspaper is called the Daily Cal
- Your school is
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- We Bought a Zoo
- A Siberian Tiger Film
- Saola, or the 120 Days of Sodom
- Altered Snakes
- Apocalypse Cow
- Capybara Holocaust
- Persian Blue Velvet
- A Clockwork Orangutan
- Zero Dog Thirty
- Naked Mole Rat Lunch
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- Mumford & Sons
- Waka Flocka Firebombing of Dresden
- Gym Class Hiroshima
- The National Socialist
- Michael Bubonic Plague
- Child Soulja Boy
- Trail of Tears for Fears
- Outkastration
- Passion Pits
- Animal Abuse Collective
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- Bill Clinton
- Jimmy Eat World Carter
- Millard Fillharmonic
- Theo the Doors Roosevelt
- Woodrow Whistlin’
- Thomas Jefferson Airplane
- Andrew Jackson Five
- Baroque Obama
- Harry Trumandolin
- James K Polka
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- Hearst So Good
- Haas School of Dirty Dirty Business
- DilDoe Library
- CockRoads Dining Commons
- Scissor Gate
- Bulge School of Law
- Kama Sutrardja Dai
- Muff-it Library
- Squealer Auditorium
- Bang Center
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- When you’re not exotic enough for Papyrus
- Toddler obituary
- Quirky high school teacher’s Powerpoint presentation
- Your iCarly spect script
- When Windings just won’t cut it
- Funeral announcement for people you hate
- Ironic tattoos
- When your roommate’s paper is due in
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- Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run
- When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
- When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
- Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
- When your pet onion
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