In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
Tag Archives: Sean Keane
U.S. Sends Troops to Arctic National Refuge
Citing the presence of Al Qaeda terror cells in the region, President Bush has ordered 200,000 US troops to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. The troops are expected to safeguard the Canadian border, displace the provisional Aleut government, … Read More
Americans To Vote On New Color For Terror Alerts, M&Ms
When Americans file their tax returns in April, or purchase a package of Peanut Butter M&Ms, they will have the chance to choose between cobalt, periwinkle twill, and electric lime. In a joint effort between M&M-Mars and the Depart-ment of … Read More
Scenes From Quentin Tarantino’s 1994 Hit Pulp Fiction
If It Were Rewritten As An Educational Film About Dinosaurs
Vincent: You know what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Jules: What?
Vincent: It’s the little differences. A lotta the same dinosaur shit we got here, they got there, but there they’re a little different.
Jules: Examples?
Vincent: Well, you … Read More
Why English is the Best Language Ever!
Look, I’m sure you don’t need a whole lot of convincing. We all
know English is the linguistic top dog (not to be confused with the Linguica
Top Dog). But just in case there’s any confusion, here’s how English
stacks … Read More
Punctuation Guide
One exclamation point indicates seriousness, excitement, and urgency. Two exclamation points indicate sarcastic seriousness, mock excitement, or an ironic lack of urgency. Use three exclamation points and you’ve reached a level of grammatical hysteria usually reserved for naive children’s letters … Read More
Chemistry 3A:
Organic Chemistry, If It Were Run By The de-Cal Program
Five Hours
Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was making a gay porno … Read More
Weekend at Cheney’s
Scene 1: Camp David Rumpus Room
[Bush and Rumsfeld enter. Cheney is seated in armchair, dead of a heart attack]
BUSH: Dick! Good to see you again, buddy.
RUMSFELD: How’s it going, Dick? We brought you some of those macademia … Read More
US Decides to Retry Afghanistan Level
After an unsatisfying end to its military campaign, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have decided to replay the Afghanistan level.
“I thought the liberation of Kunduz would be a lot harder,” said Lieutenant John Toney. “But the ending was disappointing. … Read More
Afghans Inadvertently Observe Ramadan
Clerics in Kabul report that nearly 100% of the citizens of Afghanistan are strictly observing the fast of Ramadan. The ninth month of the Muslim calendar, Ramadan is the time in which Muslims fast during daylight hours. Afghan citizens have … Read More
