When Americans file their tax returns in April, or purchase a package of Peanut Butter M&Ms, they will have the chance to choose between cobalt, periwinkle twill, and electric lime. In a joint effort between M&M-Mars and the Depart-ment of … Read More
Tag Archives: Sean Keane
Altercations with an Irishman
It’s 2024. My rebellious son Seamus O’Murphy Padrick-Keane wants to borrow the space-car, but he’s been grounded for breaking space-curfew. When I refuse to give him the keys, Seamus wallops me over the head with an empty bottle of space-whiskey. … Read More
Emeryville IKEA Declares Independence
In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
Scenes From Quentin Tarantino’s 1994 Hit Pulp Fiction
If It Were Rewritten As An Educational Film About Dinosaurs
Vincent: You know what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Jules: What?
Vincent: It’s the little differences. A lotta the same dinosaur shit we got here, they got there, but there they’re a little different.
Jules: Examples?
Vincent: Well, you … Read More
Why English is the Best Language Ever!
Look, I’m sure you don’t need a whole lot of convincing. We all
know English is the linguistic top dog (not to be confused with the Linguica
Top Dog). But just in case there’s any confusion, here’s how English
stacks … Read More
Punctuation Guide
One exclamation point indicates seriousness, excitement, and urgency. Two exclamation points indicate sarcastic seriousness, mock excitement, or an ironic lack of urgency. Use three exclamation points and you’ve reached a level of grammatical hysteria usually reserved for naive children’s letters … Read More
Chemistry 3A:
Organic Chemistry, If It Were Run By The de-Cal Program
Five Hours
Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was making a gay porno … Read More
Weekend at Cheney’s
Scene 1: Camp David Rumpus Room
[Bush and Rumsfeld enter. Cheney is seated in armchair, dead of a heart attack]
BUSH: Dick! Good to see you again, buddy.
RUMSFELD: How’s it going, Dick? We brought you some of those macademia … Read More
US Decides to Retry Afghanistan Level
After an unsatisfying end to its military campaign, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have decided to replay the Afghanistan level.
“I thought the liberation of Kunduz would be a lot harder,” said Lieutenant John Toney. “But the ending was disappointing. … Read More
Frustrating Moments in the life of:
Tikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo
The First Day of School > Teacher: Yi?
… Read MoreYi: Here!
Teacher: Chang?
Chang: Here!
Teacher: Tikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo?
Tikki: Um, I go by Tikki, thanks. The Answering Machine > Mark: Ready to record our
