Washington, D.C., Nutritional Science researches at FDA headquarters have officially released their most recent findings. The scientists have conclusively determined that Bologna is made of You-don’t-wanna-know. Bologna, which American youngsters aged 3 – 8 consumed at a rate of some … Read More

California Governor Pete Wilson has coyly sidestepped the “big question” of whether he will run as a Republican contender for the 1996 Presidential election – until now. Wilson will formally announce his candidacy next Monday, as well as reveal an … Read More

In another well documented incident, Squelch writers brutally murdered a small chunk of space in an attempt to look cool.… Read More

CNN reports that two Americans were killed when a violent storm struck the North African coastline. The Americans, brave journalists for Ted Turner’s TBS and CNN corporations, will always be remembered for their courage and “professionalism under fire.” Oh and … Read More

House Speaker Newt Gingrich authorized government spending for a large monument dedicated to the Berlin Wall, which will be built near San Diego, California. “Berlin was a focal point during the cold war” Mr. Gingrich said in a Congressional speech … Read More

Clinton’s latest nominee for the cabinet office of Surgeon Dentist, Irwin Needleman, failed to be confirmed by the Senate after a rigorous five- day schedule of Confirmation hearings. Scandal erupted on the second day when it was discovered that Dr. … Read More

After being unable to present his revisionist views of the Holocaust last week on the Berkeley campus, controversial British historian John Irving has been invited back by the Free Speech Coalition. This time he plans to address the topic: “Earth … Read More

The Dean of the College of Letters and Science announced yesterday that he would be working in conjunction with the Athletic Director, Tim Wackme, on the new system for graduation ceremonies. Modelled after the wildly successful basketball ticket distribution plan … Read More

Following some protest by Arab groups last year over Disney’s film Aladdin, numerous members of the feline family have come forward to publicly decry Disney’s newest release, The Lion King. “I feel they really should have run it by us … Read More

Dear Editors,

Why don’t you have any letters to the editor in this issue? That’s my favorite section.

Signed,
Disappointed

Editors’ note: We did not receive very much mail over the summer, possibly because our mailbox was moved twice. Please … Read More