A group of Berkeley researchers, during a stunning press conference yesterday morning, announced the results of a groundbreaking study. According to their findings, life is the leading cause of death in America. It turns out that if you are alive, … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Comrade, Can You Spare Some Bread?
The Residence Hall Assembly has recently announced a dining reform plan for UC Berkeley Housing and Dining Services. The plan would provide for students’ unused meals at the end of the week not to be wasted, allowing for ID cards … Read More
<STRIKE>Boot</STRIKE> Butt Camp
Six marines in North Carolina have been indicted with the charge of trafficking military weapons and just generally “acting irresponsible,” according to a Marine official. “We just don’t see where we went wrong,” he told the Squelch. “I trained … Read More
Hide N’ Go Shower
Following the capture and military-style execution of a vagrant found showering in a Harvard University dormitory, dormitory bathrooms are now key-locked and require thumb and voice print verification for entry. Asked about the excessive costs necessary to install such a … Read More
Taxing Taxonomy
A University of Oregon junior, Chad Westbrook, has filed suit against the estate of the late Carolus Linnaeus. Citing his contribution to the naming and classification of animals, Westbrook’s attorneys have accused Linnaeus of gross negligence and are asking for … Read More
D–‘s Detractors
Three Berkeley professors and one janitorial staff have been convicted of mentioning the now defunct ex-princess of England’s name in public. A witness who wished to remain anonymous stated that professor A exclaimed, “You’d think D– was holier than Jehovah!”, … Read More
BAMN Exposes SAT Scam
Last week it was announced that BAMN has filed a law suit against the College Board, the company that administers the SAT college entrance exam. BAMN alleges that the College Board deliberately used questions which gave Asian American students a … Read More
Green Apple Splatters
Michigan State sophomore Ryan Jenkins missed all of his classes on Tuesday.
“I HAD THE SHITS!” shouted Jenkins at reporters who had gathered outside his dormitory. “What did you want me to do, sit on a bucket?” University officials are … Read More
EECS Incident
Yesterday, it was announced during a press conference at Cory Hall that the Gilette Corporation will pledge $100 million dollars worth of Right Guard and other toiletries to the college of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. The announcement came unexpectedly, … Read More
Bike Stolen Near Campus
Surprise, Surprise.… Read More
