The world is divided into two types of people. We know this to be true. That’s why every Presidential election always comes down to a race between two candidates, except in cases where some cosmic force causes a small gnome … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Best of Squelch Classifieds
Hairy feminist seeks same. Send photo of legs to Gretta Box 14.
Freshman rushee needs retro-hip Elvis attire to appear ironic to frat brothers. Ernie, KA
Agoraphobic, asexual transvestite seeks non-smoking trapeze artist for swinging good time. Call Freddy, 222-1748.… Read More
The Truth About…Income Tax
You may have never even thought twice about it, but the primary purpose of your federal income tax return is not to help the government make sure your have paid the correct amount of taxes for the year, but actually … Read More
Rob a Bank for the Regents
Stress invades the undergraduate life. Classes coalesce into a festering, many-tentacled ball of hate. School becomes a deceptively cute dog that bites you on the ass every time you turn your back. Where does it start? What influence from below … Read More
The Odd Couple
Roberto Lewis found the following written in blood on a dirty bedsheet when he moved into his dorm room this semester. The previous occupant apparently had left it behind. I hate my roommate. I relate the following so that one … Read More
April Fool’s Day Antics
Sure, it may still be March, but April is just around the corner. So what does this mean? April showers that bring May flowers? Time to pay your taxes? One month until finals? Pink Floyd concerts? All very good answers, … Read More
A User’s Guide to Zen
Constructive nihilism
destroying things in a good cause
karma
what goes around, comes around
atheism
eternal damnation
original sin
your parents screwed around, so you’re screwed up
predestination
damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so go get drunk … Read More
My Trip To Peir 39
Last weekend my dad came up to visit me from L.A. He brought a new friend with him. Her name was Bubbles. I asked Dad where Mom was. He said, “She’s probably out turning tricks.” I thought that was strange, … Read More
The Squelch Exists
An Editor’s Introduction
Imagine, if you can, a vast mountain of pudding running after you when suddenly your shoelaces turn into a loud rap musician who can’t find anything to rhyme with “syphilis” and who keeps trying to return your pants to the … Read More
Democracy for Beginners
We need your help! Because we were too busy ingratiating ourselves to potential advertisers, we haven’t had time to come up with a motto for The Heuristic Squelch masthead.
The motto of a paper is very important to the success … Read More
