- A great photo opportunity
- The contents of Al Capone’s vault
- Cheese- mounds and mounds of cheese
- Dirt and rocks
- Dirt
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Top Five Complaints of Local Pizza Deliverers
- Fear of angry, hungry urban youth with goatees.
- Drivers beaten by aggressive Vegans.
- No tips from homeless.
- No tips from starving students.
- Police escort necessary for home deliveries.
Top Five Reasons Oompa Loompas are Orange
- Interracial marriages between red and yellow dwarves.
- Used to work in Crayola(tm) factory before chocolate factory.
- They have ingested too many carrots (usually orally, but not always).
- What the hell’s an Oompa Loompa?
- They eat goldfishes.
Top Ten Optimum Times to Shout “By the Power of Grey Skull… I Have the Power!!!” at the Top of Your Lungs
- In the stall of any public restroom.
- In your sleep.
- During any job interview.
- Right now (go ahead, don’t be shy).
- At the end of a sad movie.
- When trying to attract women in a singles’ bar.
- When lifting your wife’s veil.
- During a final.
- In a crowded elevator stuck between floors.
- During sex.
Top Ten Alternatives to Pot Brownies
- Pot Snapple(tm)
- Pot Chex(tm) (try it in part mix!)
- Hash browns
- Pot slurpees
- Pot pot-pies
- Pot sushi
- Pot bagels (with pot schmear at Noah’s)
- Pot beer
- Pot spam
- Pot Ramen
Volume 4, Issue 4: From the Desk of God
Volume 4, Issue 3: Axe Stanford
Top Tens
- Top Ten Things I’d Do if I Could Go Back in Time
- Top Ten Most Annoying Commercial Characters
- Top Ten New LA Commute Tactics
- Top Ten New Releases at Tower Records
- Top Five Items Mistaken for Toothpaste
- Top Ten Signs that a New National Crime Bill is Needed
- Top Five Ways to Be Cool Without Physiological Damage
- Top Five Things Overheard on Tele-BEARS
- Top Ten Ways You Can Tell the Person Fondling Your Genitals Isn’t a Doctor
Top Ten Signs that a New National Crime Bill is Needed
- Bob Dole says so.
- Olympic figure skaters wear full body armor to practice.
- Kindergartners outgun their teachers in New York public schools.
- New Kids on the Block concerts sell out due to guns-for-tickets
swap. - Disneyworld attendance in Florida drops .01% due to attacks on
foreign tourists. - Carjackers are being carjacked.
- Mortal Kombat III is released, with 20 new Authentic Insta-Death
moves. - LA freeway traffic moving so slow that highway shootings can’t
miss. - Erik and Lyle Menendez get off scot-free.
- NRA starts to send out free memberships to children.
Top Five Ways to Be Cool Without Physiological Damage
- Sit on the ASUC steps during school time and mope
- Wear a really ugly hat
- Make smoking gestures and blow in the cool night air
- Clip on bellybutton ring
- Dye your hair yellow/orange
Top Five Things Overheard on Tele-BEARS
- “Mmmm… ohhh… mmmm… do it baby…”
- “Would you like to go to Bible study?”
- “No. You really don’t want that class. Oh, no!“
- “Aquarius: You will enter into a long-term commitment today. Assess your strengths and wea
- “Your registration fee balance has been completely paid for this semester…but just wait
