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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch

An Opposing Viewpoint

Some of our readership may have noticed that the Squelch does not look fondly upon the Greek system (The Squelch doesn’t look fondly upon a lot of other things either; DC food and Alex Weingarten come to mind- and incidentally both images make me want to vomit). As the only currently active member of a fraternity to be a regular contributor to the Squelch, I feel that the time has come for me to defend my brethren (and sistren) from the unyielding barrage of anti-Greek sentiment that emanates from this paper.

First of all, let us examine some of the stereotypes which my fellow Squelchers bandy about so cavalierly. The whole sex with barnyard animals controversy is completely overblown (pun shamelessly intended). Yes, fraternity brothers are required to, shall we say, become intimate with future mutton. But the sheep is always over eighteen and consents to everything, so I really do not see what the problem is. Furthermore, many of the sheep end up in relationships with the brothers. “I find it attractive that someone mindlessly follows me around for once. I also help him write his papers,” comments one quadrapedal participant in such a relationship.

Another issue that must be addressed is that whole thing about us being single-mindedly interested in consuming alcohol and getting laid. This is a complete and utter fabrication. Point: if we were so interested in consuming alcohol, would we vomit it all up as much as we do? I think not. I might mention that fraternity brothers are just as interested as any other college guy in finding an intelligent mate with a great personality. Of course, that’s just a diplomatic way of saying that all guys just want to screw until they can’t remember their own name. I think a brother of mine once put it best when he said, “Hey, man [belch], you don’t fuck their mind.” A future Socrates, if there ever was one.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that sorority girls are stuck up I would… well I’m not so good at math but let’s just say I could probably come up with the last payment on the wet bars we just installed in everybody’s rooms. Sorority girls aren’t stuck up. How could they be when they’re coked out of their minds twenty-four/seven?

The one that really bugs me the most is, “Oh, you Greeks are such elitists.” Let me tell you something: only a fucking idiot non-Greek would be stupid enough to believe something like that. I’m no elitist, but I do know where I stand with respect to other people. We have this chart at our house where we plot the social standing of all the different houses, based upon a rating system of one to fifty. We then use this rating to determine which houses we’d like to hang out with, and which house we’ll avoid. That’s not elitism, that’s pragmatism. You have to know what everyone thinks of other people, or else what will they think of you? We all strive to climb the ladder of success. That’s what this country is based on- it’s the American way. What are you, a fucking commie?

So, to sum it up, dissing fraternities is dissing America, and it’s okay to laugh at the jokes the Squelch tells, but you better not tell any jokes yourself or me and my brothers will beat the shit out of you like we did those guys that were hugging each other the other night. Fags.

Political Thang

Berkeley has a long history of civil disobedience and political activism, and it is a shame that some students should be deprived of taking part in proud tradition merely because there is no cause which they feel strongly about. In fact, there are a number of good reasons for getting involved in civil disobedience, even if you don’t believe in anything.

First of all, political activism can provide the perfect outlet for pent up aggression. Riots, looting, and the mob mentality provide innumerable opportunities for a quick-thinking individual to partake in or even inspire violence, allowing stressed students to blow off some steam.

One excellent tactic is to call someone “racist” or “Nazi.” The beauty of this approach is that race need not be at issue for these dreaded epitaphs to work. Racism is used so frequently that it has become synonymous with”You don’t agree with me,” and at the same time it has an ever increasing ability to stir peoples’ emotions and rouse them to action.

A sample dialogue might go something like this:

Potential Nazi : Affirmative action is no longer a viable solution to the problems with this universities admittance policies.

You : Shut up you racist!!

PN : I’m not a racist.

You : Look, he’s defending himself and his racist ideals, get him! (Bloody chaos is sure to ensue.)

The greatest part of all this is that you can walk around with a smug smile and indignant attitude for weeks to come, knowing that society, if not justice, is on your side. In these crazy times of post-modernist thought and moral relativism, rarely is the opportunity afforded for one to act truly indignant, and it would be foolish to pass up a chance to look down on the world from the dizzying height of your high horse.

But what if violence and self-righteousness is not what you are after? Well, the one common bond we have as students is that we are poor. Riots provide the perfect opportunity to get free stuff, all in the name of “fighting the establishment.” It doesn’t matter that most of our parents are the establishment, or that the establishment is paying for our education, or even that we will probably be part of the establishment ourselves someday. All that matters is that you can get a new pair of sneakers or a slick home stereo system just by throwing a rock through a window. And all in the name of truth, justice and the American way.

So the next time you see an angry assembly of social miscreants gathered on Sproul Plaza, don’t think twice about joining in. It doesn’t matter if their arguments make no sense, if they are riddled with hypocrisy and blinded by moral indignation. Don’t miss the boat just because you don’t agree, because there’s so much more to civil disobedience than merely changing things for the better. Besides, won’t “political activism” look great on your grad school application?

Omelet, Prince of Denny’s

A Tragedy in Two Cracks

Enter Omelet and Omelet’s Father, a Ghostly Rooster, painted and stuck about with Tongues

Ghost : Be thou aware, Omelet, there is treachery and salmonella afoot.

Omelet : Who art thou, that wandr’st thus amongst my spatulas? Be thou a spirit?

Ghost : Treachery!

Omelet : Fool — get thee to IHOP!

Ghost : Omelet, as true as the grease doth congeal thou shalt never rule Denny’s! Thine mother hath committed a grave sin–she hath lain with others and produced brethren that will one day overtake thee!

Omelet : Speakest not so.

Ghost : I swear.

Omelet : Swear.

Ghost : I swear.

Omelet : Enough already.

Exit Ghost

Omelet : To eat or not to eat…that is the question Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the sausage and bacon of the Grand Slam American Combo, or to take pancakes, swimming in a sea or syrup–or by opposing, eat them– Perchance to eat, perchance to gorge– No more:
Ay, there’s the grub
For with hash browns comes cholesterol–
And in that sleep of death
What indigestion may come
When we have taken up Mylanta
Against our stomach acids. Ah–the heartburn and the thousand natural shocks That the egg is heir to–
For in that deep of night when diarrhea may come, When I have shuffled off this aluminum foil:
There’s the respect that creates
A long lasting shelf life.
Ah, to grunt and sweat under the burdens of the grill and flame
Those that would bear the egg beaters and whips of Scorn Must succumb to RDA requirements and the Overwhelming popularity of Egg Beaters

Enough, enough–no more ‘Tis not so fresh as it was before…

Enter Oatmelia

Oatmealia : Omelet! Enough! Fold over and be done with it.

Omelet : Oh, that this too too runny yolk would firm and be done!

Oatmealia : Omelet–it’s four in the morning and you’re talking to yourself again.

Omelet : Treachery!

Oatmealia : Would you stop?

Omelet : Obesity! Thy name is Aunt Jemima! Rolls off the counter, cracks, dies.

Enter A Short Order Cook

Cook : Let four waiters Bear Omelet like a prince to the table For he was likely, had he been flipped Early, to become the centerpiece of Moons over My Hammy instead Of the tragic fried egg he became.

Cliffs Notes: Gin & Juice

THESE NOTES ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE ACTUAL SONG OR DISCUSSIONS WITH FELLOW MARGINAL HIPSTERS. STUDENTS WHO ATTEMPT TO USE THEM IN THIS WAY ARE NOT ONLY DENYING THEMSELVES THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING INDOCTRINATED BY CORPORATE MUSIC COMPANIES, BUT ALSO FROM EXPERIENCING THE JOY OF CAPITALISM AND ADDING NEW CD’S TO THEIR COLLECTIONS.

GIN AND JUICE

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Snoop Doggy-Dogg

The main narrator of the composition, his take is rife with instances exhibiting his irremediable case of adolescent effervescence.

Dr. Dre

Snoop’s “homey”. Dre’s contributions to Snoop’s party which include Tanqueray, “bubonic chronic”, and “bitches from the city of Compton” serve to further young Snoop’s hedonistic tendencies.

Sadie

She is macked on by Snoop in the middle of the street. Unlike the rest of the nameless “bitches” and “ho’s” in the Snoop cosmos, she is given the distinction of both having a name and being a former possession of another of Snoop’s friends.

CRITICAL COMMENTARY

When delving into the works of Snoop Doggy-Dogg, one cannot deny the multitude of complex social and literary theory he incorporates into his prose. Some ideas that he elaborates on are as timeless as Greek philosophy, while he also endeavors upon new and innovative forms of self-expression. The term “be-otch”, for instance, is Snoop’s stylistic derivation of the word “bitch”.

The use of two rappers during the various stanzas is highly reminiscent of the Socratic method of invention through the use of the dialectic. Observe:

SNOOP: “…and start mackin’ on this bitch named Sadie”

FELLOW RAPPER: “Sadie?”

SNOOP: “She used to be my homeboy’s lady”

MEMBER OF THE DOGG POUND: “Oh… that bitch…”

Through the dialectic, a universal accepted notion of truth is established. A concrete interpretation of Sadie’s persona is created through mutual dialogue. The participation of young Snoop’s peers, the Dogg Pound, is similar to that of the Athenian chorus in Greek tragedies.

Snoop’s philosophical insight is pessimistic as he is fully cognizant of the prevalence of objectivist attitudes within his gathering. “I’ve got me some Seagram’s gin/ everybody’s got their cups but they ain’t chipped in/ now this type of shit happens all the time/ you gotta get yours before I gotta get mine.” He is clearly disgruntled at the objectivist ethos surrounding him, yet he exhibits the same tendencies in his treatment of women (“we don’t love you ho’s/ I’m out the do’…”) thus enforcing the universality of his views.

The chorus line,”I’ve got my mind on my money and my money on my mind” raises many questions. Snoop never discusses financial matters throughout the song but instead tends to focus on his sexuality. Could it be that young Snoop is well versed in the theories of conspicuous consumption and is following in the footsteps of Theodore Dreiser and Edith Wharton in presenting Veblenesque ideas? Certainly Snoop’s line “pocket full of rubbers” (a play off of the old expression “pocket full of dollars”) wholly supports the notion that sex and money are synonymous in the L.B.C.

CONCLUSION

The enduring power of this Doggy Dogg classic lies not in its evocation of many of the most controversial ideological developments of the twentieth century. In point of fact, Doggy Dogg’s true power lies in his astute illumination of the resilience of the human spirit: “But I, somehow, some way,” he writes, “keep coming up with funky-assed shit/ Like every single day…” A powerful pronunciation reminiscent of Faulkner’s assertion (cited in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech) that man will not only succeed “he will prevail”. While many modern poets have sought to articulate the trials and tribulations of urban city life, none match the endearing prose employed by this generation’s consummate “ghetto poet”-A! Snoop Doggy-Dogg. Word!

New Boyscout Merit Badges

Badges?-A!we don’t need no stinking badges! Because we’re no stinking boyscouts. But if we were, these might be some of the merit badges we could strive for:

ALIEN MERIT BADGE

  • Abduct human captive and probe them. Successfully drop them back off at their trailer park.
  • Eat 5,000 Reeses Pieces TM.
  • Fly Really fast, hover for a second, and then fly really fast again.
    ALL-AMERICAN-KID BADGE
  • Score poorly on International Math Exam.
  • Watch TV more than 6 hours a day.
  • Become obese.
  • Know all the secrets to Super Mario Brothers 3
  • Inform on homosexual Troop Leader.
    FRENCH MERIT BADGE
  • Be rude to foreigners.
  • Consume cheese.
  • Abstain from bathing for a week.
  • Get beat-up by scout with the German Merit Badge.
    LOUIS FARRAKHAN MERIT BADGE
  • Alienate 250 million white people.
    PRACTICAL KNOT MERIT BADGE
  • Tie your shoes.
  • Tie rubber tubing around your arm.
  • Tie dye your underwear.
  • Tie up your significant other.
    EBOLA VIRUS
  • Bleed out of your anus until you die.
    DEALER MERIT BADGE
  • Sell at least 1 ounce in any three of the following locations:
    1. Telegraph Ave.
    2. Soda Hall
    3. The White House
    4. At a family reunion
  • Beat the prices of Berkeley High competitors.

  • Sell enough to support your own habit.
    FERRET MERIT BADGE
  • For ferrets only
    INTERNET MERIT BADGE
  • Successfully track down 5 items of child pornography on the World Wide Web.
  • Bookmark SQUELCHED! website for daily visitation.