Omelet, Prince of Denny’s

A Tragedy in Two Cracks

Enter Omelet and Omelet’s Father, a Ghostly Rooster, painted and stuck about with Tongues

Ghost : Be thou aware, Omelet, there is treachery and salmonella afoot.

Omelet : Who art thou, that wandr’st thus amongst my spatulas? Be thou a spirit?

Ghost : Treachery!

Omelet : Fool — get thee to IHOP!

Ghost : Omelet, as true as the grease doth congeal thou shalt never rule Denny’s! Thine mother hath committed a grave sin–she hath lain with others and produced brethren that will one day overtake thee!

Omelet : Speakest not so.

Ghost : I swear.

Omelet : Swear.

Ghost : I swear.

Omelet : Enough already.

Exit Ghost

Omelet : To eat or not to eat…that is the question Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the sausage and bacon of the Grand Slam American Combo, or to take pancakes, swimming in a sea or syrup–or by opposing, eat them– Perchance to eat, perchance to gorge– No more:
Ay, there’s the grub
For with hash browns comes cholesterol–
And in that sleep of death
What indigestion may come
When we have taken up Mylanta
Against our stomach acids. Ah–the heartburn and the thousand natural shocks That the egg is heir to–
For in that deep of night when diarrhea may come, When I have shuffled off this aluminum foil:
There’s the respect that creates
A long lasting shelf life.
Ah, to grunt and sweat under the burdens of the grill and flame
Those that would bear the egg beaters and whips of Scorn Must succumb to RDA requirements and the Overwhelming popularity of Egg Beaters

Enough, enough–no more ‘Tis not so fresh as it was before…

Enter Oatmelia

Oatmealia : Omelet! Enough! Fold over and be done with it.

Omelet : Oh, that this too too runny yolk would firm and be done!

Oatmealia : Omelet–it’s four in the morning and you’re talking to yourself again.

Omelet : Treachery!

Oatmealia : Would you stop?

Omelet : Obesity! Thy name is Aunt Jemima! Rolls off the counter, cracks, dies.

Enter A Short Order Cook

Cook : Let four waiters Bear Omelet like a prince to the table For he was likely, had he been flipped Early, to become the centerpiece of Moons over My Hammy instead Of the tragic fried egg he became.